Update...

It's been almost a month since I last updated this blog. Well, obviously, I'm done with my public exam and I'm quite free from studying now.

I'm thinking of moving to another blog as I think my very own blog should be cool and with my photos. Also, it can be a sign of changing to another new stage in life. I'm not sure how I should describe it but yeah, I hope you understand.

Everything changes as time changes. Time is always the factor, isn't it? I surely know I grew up as this year slowly went on. I don't care much about how people look at me, I feel secured compared to last year.

I wanna do something like new year resolutions with my new blog, but of course, I'll do it after my family trip.

Just stay tuned and I'll update about my latest blog in my next post. I'm learning in every second. Improvements build one characters.

With love,
Emily
11/12/2014

Day

Hello, people. How's life?

I had history paper3 today, it was okay. I wrote a lot and I prayed that I could get full marks. Oh well, time passes really fast but I still can't wait for exam to end. Seriously, I need to be hardworking for another 2 weeks.

I just signed up for a Twitter account, I think I mentioned it in my previous post. Well, it's not good as it triggers my mind and makes me think whether people accept me or not. But, that doesn't mean it's completely bad. At least I learned something, that's to share things with people and accept them. In fact, I offer my friend who wants to learn to play the piano so badly to come to my house next year so that she can practise if my family is gonna move away.

As the clock ticks and tocks, my time spending with my twin is getting less. We're gonna be apart. I can't believe what's gonna happen after that. Who will I be? I have no idea. May the Lord help me.

I have an urge of wanting to melt people's heart, just like how God melts and fires my heart. I'm warm right now. I wanna pray for everyone that I know and who need help. Things will be okay after praying, that's what I've encountered most of the time.

It's time to devote. I love my church friends and teachers. I shouldn't have called them friends but brothers and sisters.

Oh before I go, I still have something to share. My draft of resolutions and target for year 2015:)
1) Sing alto
2) Become a Sunday school teacher
3) Join Youth fellowship (not current one but for older youth)
4) Go photo shoots and produce more art work
5) Get 90 ATAR in Austmat
6) Friend with people and accept them
7) Be a good photographer in college
8) Love people around me
9) Devote everyday
10) Go jogging regularly

Wow, that sounds a lot right? I'm looking forward.

All the best
With love,
Emily
13/11/2014

Time

Hello, today is a really extremely boring day.

I re-activated my Twitter account and it was okay. Well, you know it's all about follow and twitter and favourite and retweet and stuff. Nothing much, but it"s cool that I can write anything that I like in short sentences.

A lot of things actually happen to me. I'm wondering what kind of person I'm at the moment. Easily get bored? I have no idea. I'm not a type of person who thinks a lot like why he/she acts this way or taut way. To be honest, I just like to observe people because it feels like watching a movie or drama. That's pretty cool.

Well, friends... I have no idea what are friends. I have no bestie who can actually talk to me. I spend most of my time with my twin sister and that's good enough for me to live my life. Thinking about her gonna leave here doesn't really upsets me but I'm gonna live alone. Seriously, it will not be any good thing. I can't cook and I can't do lots of stuff. I find my mum the best because I don't have to do things when she's around. Okay that's not really terrible. I like silence though.

This year hasn't ended yet and I already have had a lot of resolutions and targets for next year. Like, getting a driving license, becoming a Sunday school teacher, singing as an Alto in a choir, photoshooting with friends, getting 90 and above for ATAR. Well quite a lot but I haven't even finished the public exams. This actually makes me suffocate so much. I don't think I've done well so far but not very bad.

This long break is gotta be memorable. Uh... Oh yeah, I'm gonna get a laptop! I feel so excited! I wanna get something good for photo editing. And, my eldest sis is coming back.

I don't know why I have a sort of feeling that people don't like me much. I don't know, maybe I'm too sensitive. I am hate this feeling but I know I shouldn't care much about it. There's nothing about it.

It's time to go back to book. Bye

Emily
11/11/2014

Mum

Hello, today's my mum's birthday and.I decide to write a little bit about her.

She's really a good mother, truly and honestly. I know you might say everyone comments this about their mum but you know, I once disliked her before.

I thought she was so uncaring, rigid and materialistic. I treated her hot and cold, as a result. I didn't appreciate her much when she a year or maybe months ago until things made me see how important she is in my life.

Yeah, she's definitely rigid in her way. For example, she doesn't like me going out even going to church is somehow not a good thing to her. She wasn't willing to drive me to school and I was kinda angry and sad with that, but she never purposely left me in school!

Well, I don't know what specific things that made me change my view on her. There are a lot like she keeps forcing herself to do things that she doesn't really like such as cooking and driving. She never likes to cook but she cooks everyday. And you know, even so, her cooking is still one of a kind and good! I hate pepper, I hate no taste... If you're Elisa, you definitely know what I mean.

Okay, that's all I wanna say.
I PRAY THAT MY MOM WILL ONE DAY SING IN A CHOIR WITH ME TO PRAISE THE LORD! (since she loves to.sing and me too)

I have her photo but can't post it her due to my phone, uh...

Bye.
Emily
08/11/2014

Found

Hello, people. Today is the 4th day of spm, I got a question wrong for moral study and felt pretty bad.

I never know how would it be like to have days that I have to feed myself and I have to be responsible to do something real. I mean, to do something that would affect one's life. I have no idea.

Becoming a doctor hasn't been my great ambition. I only started this 'dream' when I was form 3. I can't remember how and why I had this thought. Maybe I wanted to be someone who had a 'Dr' in front of the name or anything else. Now, I strongly feel that life is really meaningless from the beginning to the end. Absolutely nothing.

However, I still believe that I'm on the earth today is not by luck or anything. Clearly, I only think that the biggest point of living is to serve the Lord and His people. That's how I got my idea on why I'm here. It sounds kind of innocence and a little stupid to somebody. Well, I really can't think of any reasons more.

I searched the website about studying Austmat in MCKL, I'm quite interested in this programme. I don't know whether I can cope with the study or not, but I think I'll do my best. I feel so lost sometimes. I know that God has His own plan and I shouldn't be worrying about anything like this. I'm a fool.

There are whole bunch of people who are so so so much better than me. Who am I to do such a big thing? Healing? HAHA. I shouldn't be mocking at myself, I'm a creation of God. Uh... Too small to do anything.

Wow, typing this whole lot of things make me think of something. I'm such a WEAK person because God wants to use me to show testimonies. Hmm, I should be humble and learn more things.

Okay, time to sleep.
Tomorrow, I'll be studying history. May the Lord help everyone in doing anything.

Bye
Emily
06/11/2014

Pray

Due to the fact that I'm having English test tomorrow, I'm gonna spam this particular post with just nothing but something. Well, if you get what I mean.

The exam today was quite okay. I don't think I did really well today. Essays were really uncool for me, I mean, I still think I could have done it better. After all, everything is under God's plan, I should surrender all these to Him.

What I find amazing about the exam is that no one gets to see his paper after he has handed in the answer sheet. It's super cool in the way that I believe that even I did it badly, God would still change my marks. That sounds like dreaming but a lot of times, amazing things happen just because they happen.

Remaining cool for the whole day is great. I feel like writing right now but I don't. I don't know what I'm talking about. I pray for the best instead of hoping on wishing. That's what I do. I know that my results can never determine where I should go but it is God who determines that.

Oh well, studying... Bye

Emily
3/11/2014

Sorry

Hello!

Today's a school day. It was pretty boring. The talk for sejarah paper was really unhelpful and nonsense. I gained nothing from the talk! I sound so angry right? I actually have no idea what I should do at this stage. I'm not very sure if I'm very prepared. I don't know what will be going on next.

So, I'm still struggling on what I should do, it's really hard to decide. Too many things have to be considered. I need to be more hardworking. To be honest, I'm indecisive in this. What I should go and what life I want. It is really bad. I can't think of anything more.

Things are going nonsense sometimes. I hate this place so much that I wish I could fly.

I'd like to say bye.
BYE

Emily
29/10/2014

Before

Hello!

Today's been good! All the days have been quite productive, history is not as bad as I think, after all. The most important thing is I'm mentally and physically prepared for SPM.

I really enjoy living in this country. Well, I mean, this country has its own good in its way. However, the unfair things still happen. I feel a little angry about it but, God's the one who placed me here.

As I'm still considering my future, a lot of people give me all sorts of suggestions. I wonder how can I survive in the world. Can I go for things that I'm passionate? Or I should just take life easy and choose something... I'm curious about my life, I question a lot. Why am I here and how am I gonna be? Struggling through all the questions and I finally find out that it's because God loves me.

I have a sudden thought that I should go to study commerce instead of medicine. I have no idea if I can do anything well. 'You'll know it when you go'. This is hard, what if it's really unbearable? Can I stand?

I'm just praying that God'll do what he plans on me! I really need the answer. I can do anything, seriously, well, except those literature stuff, you know, arts. Yeah, that's it. I won't think of it anymore. Life is hard, earning money is hard, everything is hard but there's God, who can make the impossibilities possible.

I gotta go back to books. It's already been 3 month long that I never logged on to Instagram though I sometimes googled my name and checked, shhh... Okay bye!

Love
Emily
28/10/2014

Talk

Hi, I haven't no one to talk to, so I decide to write things here.

First and foremost, I really wonder who's reading my blog, there might be no one. Sigh.

It's been a holiday week as I didn't go to school this week and things went really unproductively. I feel prepared but it doesn't seem to be. Well, it's hard to describe how I am right now.

So, I actually told you about I might be going to Australia next year. But thing changes! Due to the fact that my parents don't want me to be there, I'm gonna change my plan to study at another place. The first thing that came into my mind is IMU,  I thought I could study there and have twinning after that. When my dad knows UniMas offers medicine programme, he suggested that I should go for it.

I'm quite happy to stay in Malaysia for a longer time. But then, I'm kinda worried that if I'm choosing the right path. What should I do? I don't have any ideas. Is being a doctor a good choice? Or I should go for something easier? Or theology? There seems to be a big challenge between choosing God or myself. I'm really worried.

I need to talk to someone, someone that can listen to me. There won't be anyone I guess. God is the best, I can talk to Him. He'll probably give me the best answer.

I gotta stop worrying, life, time, people...

Bye
Emily
24/10/2014

Feeling

Hello, I actually don't feel like updating my blog but I somehow wanna tell you about my feelings.

It's only left 2 weeks till the public exams, I feel extremely happy and excited about it. You never know how long I've been waiting for the day to come. I'm quite prepared for the exam you know. I don't aim much anymore as I'm accepted by the college. 9A+ will not be my aim as I know what is not my forte. However, I'm pretty sure that I can get straight As, I have no idea why I feel this way but yea, my feeling tells me so.

I kinda relaxed after all, I'm prepared for most of the subjects, still need a little touch up and I think I can do it. Well, I think this exam isn't big enough to make me stumble and fall. It's just a certificate which the probability of me using it is really small.

I needa work for History now, I don't actually hope much, I'll just try my best to dig all the facts out from my brain. I don't worry about the others, they are not scary enough.

Alright, it's time to clean up my room and have English tuition soon.

I look forward to everyday, I know nothing can let me fall.

Bye.
Emily
20/10/2014

Child

Hi! Today's a Friday.

It was a school day. Things were okay in school except my blue house teacher gave me a big problem to deal. I'm tired.

Oh well, after that, I went to Paradigm mall and had lunch with Ed board members. I wore really casually, just like a hipster Emily. Yea, I listened to some stories and I didn't have much interest in it since I had so many things to do.

I have no idea whether I looked extraordinary today. Normally, I'm a happy child who worries about nothing. I don't know what brings me so down. Even the teacher asked me the reason of me showing my upsetting face to her.

Child of God, yeah, I'm! But why am I here to worry about stuff. I know I can do nothing, seriously nothing. However, with God, I can always have my tomorrow. Just because with Him, I tell you, He's so amazing that I can never believe what he's done on me. I believe, He'll do the same thing on me again.

I don't know where to go, I wanna offer my whole life to God. Yeap, whole life, that's what matters me. I gotta go and do my physics.

I know I'm a person who doesn't really like to chat with people. I feel sorry, I'm trying. A child should always try. I believe, I'm the child who is gonna to shine for God as He's with me.

Bye. Good night!

Emily
17/10/2014

Not really but yea

Today's my bro's 12th birthday.

You might be thinking this day would have been great. However, it wasn't.

Everything was fine when my bro came home at 5pm. We played a game of Chinese chess. So exciting! I never knew one could win in that really dead situation. So, my bro taught me the tactic. Oh well, he was still good.

Until the time I asked him to create a Facebook account. You know why? There's a really big and hidden story behind this incident.

Lately, I've been really frustrated and tangled about death stuff. I was afraid to sleep at night because I had no idea where I'd be if I couldn't wake up in next morning. I thought of a lot of stuff and they annoyed me so much till u could'r focus well on my revision. I could't bear with it.

As I really couldn't stand, I sent a message to my Sunday school teacher. I thank God that he really helped me to join my neurones back. My mind has become clear and I know that no matter what happens, I'll always have tomorrow, it only depends on where I'll be. Also, I'll always be alive as God is in me.

So, after all, I asked my bro to sign up for a facebook account because I wanno have a means to contact with him, personally. I'm sure I'll miss all my family and friends here after I go. I don't know how I'm going to face so many new things with Elisa next year. I'll be blind and let God do.

My mum does't let my bro to have a Facebook account. That's really ridiculous and that's the only problem which leads to the unhappiness. Too strict... Over protective...

I have to sleep now, there's school tomorrow and I have to go for Ed board annual lunch. Too many things to do.

Bye. Nights.

With Love,
Emily
16/10/2014

Trust

Hello.

Oh yeah, today is a Tuesday. I did.nothing today. We'll, to me, practicing Add maths is kinda lame and boring. I have nothing much to say.

For all times, I just want to go somewhere else. Yeap, I can't stay here anymore. Gradually, I find that this place is really unsuitable for me.

I moved here when I was 11 years old. At that time, I couldn't help longing about my past. They were too memorable to be recalled. Till last year, I think, I felt as if I hated to go back to Bintulu because of the people there. They were and are too cold to be interact with. Since then, I started appreciating living in PJ.

This year, I feel so scared to go out. I mean, I don't think it's scary but no one can ever be trusted. People just think about themselves. Who cares what you do? You want to ruin your life? Just go ahead and no one will be telling you to value your life. This is terrible. At once, my friend told me, HUMANS ARE NEVER CIVILIZED. I would just laugh. It sounded so sarcastic.

That's why I don't have a really good friend here. No one can talk truth to me. They just like to compete, like to cheat, like to protect themselves and not to let anyone come to their lives. There are all kinds of people. But, there's a similarity, that's being so inactively and passively to help people. I have no idea who froze their tiny little hearts.

I feel so sleepy now. Good night. I blog when I feel like. I'll continue to burn!

Bye.

Emily
07/10/2014

Blind

Let me take a break.

I just came back from the church. Today's preaching was good, I know a lot of things. Not only we need to be rational, we have to have feelinga or emotions that can feel how people feel. I totally agree with this!

So yeah, people are too cold nowadays, even I become a cold person. Burning, heating, boiling! I gotta burn myself! Placing yourself in others' shoes is definitely hard. I can hardly do that, but I'm trying. I wish I could be a person who knows how to understand how people feel instead of thinking of what I love.

Back to studying, I have no idea what to study at this state, it seems I can't do much. I just keep doing exercise and memorizing all the answers at the back. This really works for most of the time. I wish to get one more time of straight As. I'm trying, uh, I feel like slacking though. I don't have much momentum.

Studying in Australia or KL? I pray that I can get the scholarship for Adelaide's one. Yeah, being blind and let God lead me is probably the best idea to decide where to go.

Bye, continue to do my work.

Emily
05/10/2014

Hatred

Hey!

Today's a friendly Friday. I feel good and just wanna use my time effecienly. I see a lot of things and have a lot of thoughts today.

People are good-looking, smart and talented. Well, that's true. Then, there are competitions between people. I hate these things, uh...

Sometimes, I just dislike a lot of things that happen in the world. Some smart people are cunning, they don't do things with step by step, but take short cuts instead.

I just wanna study. I find studying in Australia is a better choice than studying here. I wish to go there even though it's really expensive. But that feeling of wanting to go somewhere where no one ever knows you keeps making me feel like wanna leave this place so much. I can't have much to say. I need to follow my dad's decision. I told him what is in my mind. I hope he can approve it and let me do what I want. I'm tired of being here. Too scary sometimes. People...

I have no idea why people are afraid of me a lot of times. I never hate anyone and never judge. Even though I know what kind of person you are, I don't like to hate. I'm that kind of person who would choose to accept people.

There was a really serious bully case happen at next door in school this morning. I couldn't understand why people liked to dislike a person till they do something that might cause a lot of consequences. I hate this behavior.

Sorry for having so many complaints. I feel sorry for the world, cruel...

Bye
Emily
03/10/2014

Way

Hello!

There are a lot of things that I've learnt this week.

I went for maths marathon yesterday. I was extremely nervous, couldn't perform well. I didn't even try my best to do all. I know it should be quite okay for me since I had been trainin for a month. So I was kinda disappointed with myself. Yeah that is so bad. But I think God wanted me to think of something and to remember that EVEN THOUGH THERE ARE SO MANY PEOPLE SMARTER THAN YOU IN THE WORLD, THEY CAN NEVER INHIBIT YOU TO YOUR PASSION.

I'll work hard for one more month. I have to be sure that what I'm doing is for God. No more competition, it's too weird, you know. Uh, sometimes people just like to compare. They wanna win, for the sake of making themselves feel more confident. It's not a good idea. Sigh.

Oh right, my history study is terribly bad. Especially when I do all the objective questions, I can't do well. Uh, I feel so regretful.

Okay, I should go back and study now. I think I'll have to move to Australia next year. I'll definitely miss the people here even though I feel happy to have a new life there. You know, the feeling that you just wanna leave the place that has been giving you all the bad memories that you don't even wanna think more about it.

To be honest, I forgot what's happened in the past few months, everything happened so quickly. Came and went. Too many things. Down.

Well, bye. Till I blog again.

Emily
02/10/2014

Fight

Hello! I really wanna switch to a new blog, well, I'll do it when I get my laptop this year end.

Thinking of what'll be happening for the next few months, I can't help to shiver. Things are changing so much. Coming October will be a training month, then November a fighting month, December a free holidays month and the new year comes, I'm having no idea what I'll be doing in January. Such a change makes me feel kinda sad. But then, I believe, it won't be a big deal. I've experienced a lot of stuff that God did in me!

I feel boastful lately. I hate myself, I hate that demon in me. I feel sad. I don't wanna care anymore, I will just try my best to do everything in God. I need to be sure for what I'm doing. I have to...

Till I blog again, leave your comment below!

Bye.
Emily
29/09/2014

Goal

Hello, I thank God that I can be here and writing this post. 

Last night, my body was on a high temperature. Yeah, I mean, I had fever last night. I suspected myself having appendix as that particular part of my abdominal ache. This morning when I woke up, everything seemed fine even though there was still a little pain. 

I just wanna update my study status here. I feel really happy that I scored straight As in trial exams. I know that things can be done in God. This makes me be determined that being a doctor is not impossible. Glory to the Lord. 

My phone is so dead that the battery keeps draining all the way. I need a new phone, just a cheap one. I'm fed up on those expensive ones. I mean, they're not bad but not as good as I think, I don't need to many features. 

I don't have many thoughts to be written down. I'm lazy to do anything, essays and maths and sciences. I have to work hard but my body keeps following its own will. Strength and bravery that comes from God is enough for me. 

I'm having a mathematics competition next Saturday, I'm the player 2 of my group! I've been training hard on sudoku. All the best everyone, tomorrow is a new day. Always thank God for what you have and don't have. I'll be changing my blog next year, a more-photos blog, I think. 

Too random, I know. Bye. 

Emily 

24/09/2014

Monday

One week of holidays have gone. This is the last semester of the year. I guess everyone is working extra hard. 

HI! 

I actually wrote something before this, due to the lagging computer, I turned up canceling that post. I had so much to say.

So yeah, I got the results of 8 subjects. I'm quite disappointed with my Biology paper. I wish I could have some more marks added. Really, my teacher is very strict to the marking stuff, not like the other classes' teachers. 

The results clearly indicate that I'm not hardworking enough. I still feel hopeful, I've got another 1.5 months to polish every subject. Well, I know it won't be hard, but still it's tough enough to make me feel like failing sometimes. 

I'm thinking of changing my phone to Nokia instead of upgrading to iPhone. I don't think using a cheaper phone is a big deal. Anyway, I need a long-lasting phone. 

I've given tasks for myself today. 3 essays, okay, maybe not too much. I'll just read the essays and get points from there. I have to be tougher! 

Kay, bye! 

Emily

22/09/2014 

Nothing

Hello, my dearest blog reader! 

Today's the first day of the school holidays! It's been okay since this morning. I took a nearly 3 hour nap though. 

Yesterday, I had a good time in church even though I looked so sad. Actually, I was a little bit stressed out and there was a person who looked like she disliked me. Oh well, I don't really understand why people have to dislike the others since your job is to love people. 

I've paused to do a lot of activities in school as well as in the church. I'm very free, honestly. But I have exercise to do! I needa score straight A and stuff like that. I don't like writing my stress out especially when talking with the other. I'm sorry for saying my biggest frustration out and making you feel as stressed as me. Maybe this is why people don't like talking to me. 

Alright, I have got so many things to do, I'm slacking. Bye. 

Emily

15/09/2014

Working

I don't actually feel like writing a blog post but I have a sudden urge to type something here.

I'm so screwed up for Physics. I thought I liked it really much and I could do it well. Well, it's not what I think. I'm so tired of it. Especially, light and waves and vectors. I love calculating but sorry, the understanding of theories makes me feel so stressed out. I have to remember so many things just to do a single question of Physcis. 

Oh yeah, I went for shopping today! It wasn't as great. It was kinda funny. I mean the combination of the 5 of us. My parents, my twin, me and my eldest sister's boyfriend. How funny was that! I think he's had so many tests to do hike staying in my house for 2 days. I won't say many comments on him b'cause I only wanna support my eldest sister. 

It's so random right? Okay, let's switch topic.

I'm really weird, to be honest. I can be a serious person this minute and the next minute a funny smiling person. I have no idea about it. I don't mean to be strange at all. 

Am I crazy about studying? Yeah! I don't think I'm hardworking enough. I feel sad everytime I finished exams. I always think that my efficiency is not as good. So yeah, I got 90 for maths and 76 for add maths. It's kinda shame for me. SHAME! I love mathematics, how can it be?

Alright, stop that. I know people already think that I scored well add maths. Right, but I need my trial result for January inake.

Okay, I gotta continue Physcis now. Bye!

Emily

13/09/2014

No idea

Trial exams finally finished. 

Stress is gradually diffusing into my heart as if I can't breathe normally. I'm afraid of things that're gonna happen next. Some things that might scare me away. 

I got back my Chinese paper 2 result. It's bad, I couldn't even get a B+. I feel sad, was it the bad starting of everything. I have no idea, I'm lost.

I can't bear with it, there're too things to be achieved:( I'm afraid that I didn't get an A+, I've been forcing myself but on the other hand, I told myself to take it easy. I wonder whether I've chosen the right way to go. I have no idea, I'm lost.

I wish there would be someone affirming me that I could hit my target one day. I've lost the belief. I need to gain my faith in God back. People're dreaming too big, I feel so small. My dream is simple but hard to achieve. May I just be a small doctor that heals bodies and spread good news of God? May I?

Sometimes I just wanna walk away from my current life, I find it hard to live here. I kind of 'hate' people around me. I'm such a fake person, wearing a big warming smile and I keep telling people that I'm happy with everything. I just wonder, do I really love them? Do I really feel happy? Or I'm just acting to be happy and I'm happy? I have no idea, I'm lost. 

I can't. I can't do it, can I? Surely, I know God's his plan on me. But I never know it. I'm guessing, I'm waiting. I keep doing whatever that I should be doing. 

I'm lost, I need people to comfort me. I don't wanna feel jealous when I see people get better results than me. I don't want that evil feeling. Never. Pray for me.

Bye

Emily

08/09/2014

Next

It's still exams season. It's been great though. 

I don't know what I wanna talk about. It's just a recent update. 

I've tried my best to study as hard as possible, but I still feel the emptiness in my brain. I guess, I didn't work hard enough. I'm really bad at memorising things. 

Maths and science are both interesting! They sort of explain what I wanna know. But sometimes, I just get really irritated about the fact that they don't specifically explain something. Yeah, they're not deep enough to let me understand how things work. 

I stopped all my co-curricular activities, including playing the piano. I feel sad that I won't be learning something new throughout the exams season. It's more relaxing, to be honest. Studying is a great fun. You don't have to think about some other frustrating stuff. All you have to do is to focus. 

I'm so so so looking forward to going to college and retaking up my hobbies. I wanna do so many things. I really wish that I could do things that I enjoy. Photography, playing the piano and singing. 

I feel weak a lot of time. My English is really bad. I feel that my dream/passion is miles away from me. I don't wanna accept the fact that I couldn't do it. Instead, I work harder to make it real. I know, when God's plan goes that way, my life goes that way. I believe that with faith, I will always have a way. Nothing could stumble me down. 

History and physics are left subjects that haven't been tested. I'm trying hard in memorising history. All the names and stuff, I feel strong. I think I won't be puffin much effort on Physcis, since I really love to count. Maybe just a glance for all the chapters. 

My heart is still burning. It's been a month since I closed Istagram. I seldom went Facebook as well. It was like 10 days ago when I last logged in. It's good to live without social websites. You're in a total free! 

Bye!

Emily

30/08/2014

Talk talk talk

Just had lunch. Today's also an exam day. 

Things are kinda great. I had my moral paper and I felt good. Then, add maths, it was a little mind blowing but still it was good! 

My eldest sister came home today! Woots, how nice it's to have family members back and we're together. It's so cool, and I'm grateful to have my family members. 

Okay, so I have nothing much to say, I just wanna relax or distress myself. It's really stressful. However, I keep letting myself get enough sleep and rest. To be honest, I sleep as much as I did when there was no exams. I'm still confident to score as high marks as possible. 

People who talk to me will definitely find me a boring person as I keep talking about studying and stuff that's extremely boring. That's why no one likes to talk to me. Oh well, my world is all about studying, what do you want me to talk to you? I'm tired. But then, I really salute to those who're willing to talk to me! You guys are patient and good and kind. 

Haha, okay, I should take a nap and wake up and then Malay and then history. 

Hope to get straight As. I don't feel nervous actually, there's always a way in God's plan. So, no worries! 

Bye

Emily

23/08/2014

Smile

It's another fine Friday. 

I had English papers in school this morning. I simply crapped about my dad, the topic was 'My Hero'. Truthfully, I'm never good at writing. Language kills. 

I don't know why I started this post. Oh yeah, there's something funny but weird that I've found out today. 

If you know me well, I'm a person who loves to smile at people, even a strange stranger. I don't actually mean anything while I smile, I just wanna give people a really good impression b'cause I believe I might make one's day due to my plain smile. 

Maybe it's because of people nowadays, they don't smile. That's why you can hardly find anyone who can smile at you! Once you find one, don't be overreacted. The person just wanna spread the love. Okay? 

Maybe you don't understand what I mean. Anyway, I just wanna write something while waiting for my sweat to dry and go shower. 

Bye

Emily

22/08/2014

Sand

I have a feeling of writing. 

Well, I feel like a small sand looking at the big sea. I don't know why, it's just an exams and it's not that important even though it seems to be. I believe, after all, no one will actually remember what happen before. Why do I care? 

It seems to be hard for me. I needa work hard. I can't help but keep pressuring myself more. I have so much to stuff into my brain, time is always the limiting factor. I'm almost prepared but not perfectly can deal with all these. I feel sad. 

Am I being called by God? St. George university offers the course that I want. I wish I could go, the fee is not as expensive as what I've come across. And while having devotion time today, the DOB said something about St. George church. I wonder why did God plan to let me see this? Is he trying to tell me to work harder as He's with Me? I have no idea but to strive harder. I believe, if it's His will, I definitely can do it. 

Alright, time to go back studying. Bye. 

Emily

20/08/2014

Remember who you are

Today's Monday. 

Yesterday...

It was a youth Sunday, things were being so exciting. Everyone was preparing in the sub-sanctuary an hour before it started. 

Honestly, I wasn't very scared or nervous even though I had a little fear of getting wrong. I told myself, 'God's always with me, and I'm serving myself for Him and I'll only be facing brothers and sisters in Christ who accept me.' Then, with lots of encourages from my bro and sis in Christ, I was brave enough to face a few hundreds of people. 

Being the chairperson was definitely fun. I escaped from dancing as I was terribly bad at it. However, I had to sing songs with my weird voice. Alright, everything has gone through smoothly in God. Hallelujah! 

Today...

I felt really lazy and tired to go to school as I stayed up late last night ( I forced myself to at least study a few pages of History). I don't like going to school lately as I have no mood to study in school, I rather choose to talk to my friends. I love talking. 

Things were all great until moral lesson. It was about to kill me when Elisa got chosen and couldn't say the definition of one of the moral values out. I was shivering and scared of her being so nervous, she was going mad soon, I could feel it. Maybe it would be okay, I think. However, her tears then streamed down and she weaped. I felt totally helpless. 

It was really a small matter. Nothing much about writing the definition out for 50 times. I know it's a lot but you won't die because of that and you won't lose anyone just because of it. Well, she was being extremely emotional and drew everyone's attention. 

I couldn't stand it. I know I never understand how she feels but the only thing she has to know is who she is. She's the child of God whom is asked to be the salt and light. And what she's done makes people think badly about Christ. I realised how important one's testimony is to make others believe in God. 

I'm sleepy right now. Let me take a nap and then start studying later. Bye. 

Leave a message if you want. I wish to have message... Haha

Emily

18/08/2014

Where

Hello, Saturday! 

It's raining, I feel cool and happy as being protected under a shelter. I'll soon start my study: Biology and History. I really wish to strike high distinction. 

Oh well, so continue my story. After waiting for such a long time for the web page to be viewed, I finally gave up and asked my aunt to help me check for it. However, she was in Thailand and so I asked my cousin to help me. Not long after, I got my results. It's NEGATIVE, which means I don't have to go for National Service. I should have been more cheerful than I actually was. Well, it's because Elisa got it. 

At first, I thought of lots of stuff, eg. living my life without her would be extremely strange, I couldn't get to go out as my mum would be not trusting me (I guess), but the most important thing would be she would commit suicide (I don't know:( ) 

Maybe I've thought too much. God's her strength, why should I worry that much. 

I'm still feeling don'tknowwheretogonextyear, maybe it's not the right time for me to think about it. Anyway, I'll be in a total focus for the coming exams. I dislike the school for being so bad as they kept changing the exams timetable. 

Okay, bye.

Emily

16/08/2014

Miserable

I should be studying or playing the piano right now. 

I feel really miserable today. Things are going well, but I doubt it. 

So these were all what happened yesterday:

- got the news of announcement of national service

- sent 4 SMS to the gorverment, but not the right information

- I was too happy b'cause it didn't say I got it

- I asked my friend, Cing to help me, but it loaded extremely slow

- then, clown helped me, but it was not the right one again. 

- Elisa checked just now, she got it. 

- and I'm stuck at the web page, it can't view the result and I'm so fed up of it. 

- I keep wishing not to get it b'cause I've actually planned my days and stuff for next year. 

Thank you for anyone who's helped me. I love you. I just can't help hating the service. It's extremely wasting my time!

Okay bye. I just want to make my anger out! 

Emily

15/08/2014

Sacrifice

It seems to be really hectic this week. 

Having trials examination is stressing me out. I'm enjoying studying actually, it's not as stressful as doing the other stuff like dealing with people. Yeah, I really love this week. 

I asked one of my friends to help me with recovering my sd card. I really hope that it'll turn out great. My another friend, who's my sister's friend as well, has helped me so much. Especially on last Sunday, he spent his precious time just to hope me. I feel so blessed to have people who're willing to sacrifice their time for me. I'm grateful!

Not only that, I took a step further as I sent a Facebook message to last year top scorer who got straight A+ in SPM. I asked him for the way of getting high distinction for Moral study. He told me all the tips and stuff like that. I feel as if God's sending 'angels'. God's amazing. Also, I'll continue to help people who really need help. 

I have lots of books to flip through, to memorise. I need to make use of all my time and make my brain work! Alright, get motivated and study for God. My aim is to get straight As, with maybe 8A+, and 2As. I gotta work hard. MEDICINE, I'm coming; MISSION, I'm coming. 

Okay, essays, literature, sciences and maths, I'm gonna stuff everything in my brain. Bye and all the best! 

Emily

12/08/2014

Regret

Hello. Happy BAD day! 

Alright, things have gone on well. I'm so grateful to live on the earth lately. Oh well, but my topic for the post is REGRET. 

People always tell us not to regret. Yeah, indeed, no one likes to be remorseful after doing certain things. However, we always want something that can make us proud of or happy about so that we can recall all the beautiful memories. Beautiful memories, who actually have it? 

I've always shared to my twin sister that I love photography b'cause of the art and the meaning behind all events or scenes. They never repeat. Life never repeats. What you've done previously would never repeat in your life anymore. There's no way. You can never go back. Never ever. 

It sounds really negative, isn't it? Yeah? Oh well, I feel really helpless and sad all my photos are gone. Gone! I can't do much for it, seriously. It's really impossible to go back. I shouldn't have been so excited about the photos. I'm regretful after all. I kept asking all the professionals to help me fix it. Things never got better.

Just as I wrote the 2nd paragraph of this post, suddenly, I feel that God is actually telling me to value my time to do the right things and always make the right decision, never let the heart to control your body, but the Holy Spirit to lead you.

I feel almost better now. I know I have got a lot more work to do. I haven't told my boss about it. I feel shameful. I needa pray. God does work on people who are weak to be strong and to be the testimonies for the others. I gotta be strong in God. He equips me, why am I here to be afraid? 

Say no more regrets, look forward! There are models waiting for me to take their best angels! I shouldn't be living in the past, I have to look forward. God's asking me to study for him, so that I won't regret! 

“no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit” (Rom. 8:1)

Bye. 

Emily

08/08/2014

Hot

This week is definitely a busy week. 

I can hardly find anytime for sitting there day-dreaming or thinking about random stuffs. Well, I don't actually do them in my life. Okay, anyway, I just wanna say I have got not much time to enjoy. 

I have got to stay back everyday, except for today! I thank God for giving me a day to break and take a rest and write this post. His planning is perfect. 

This week is said to be the last of the year. I had my last singing in the choir for this year, my last duty for photography, my last post in Intagram for this year. I did all these for the coming soon public exam. It's sorta a really important examination for me. It probably affects my life. 

Studying life is good sometimes. I'm really satisfied when I'm done with all the chapters. Through the tests and exams, you can experience what God's done on you. I don't think I'll miss my secondary school life but certainly I'll like to recall all the moments.

I WISH MY LITTLE FIRE COULD MELT THEIR FREEZING HEARTS. 

This is my recent status. I'm trying extremely hard to be responsible and helpful. I wanna be the salt and light that God wants me to be. People are too cold to everything. They seem to be not a part of the world. Yeah, I agree that we're not for the world but God's given the task for us to rule the world and modify it! We have to do it, don't be selfish! Hinder yourself from self-centre. 

I'm really sick of people who act like not their responsibility to help the others. For instance, keeping the school clean, erasing the whiteboard, helping your friends to keep their book, giving people way to go and showing your lovely smiles to everyone that you meet. These are what humans are supposed to do. 

I feel sad for the world. But then, I'm positive, their icy hearts will be melted. I'll not let my fire burn out. 

Okay, I'll have to do my work now. There will be Japanese students visiting my school tomorrow. I'll have to take photos till 3pm. It'll be my last duty as I mentioned before. Also, tomorrow will be my last meeting for Nature Club. I'm no longer the president of it. Good bye:*

Pray for me. 

Emily

06/08/2014

The mission

Today's another great day! 

Hello! I'm gonna talk about what I've seen and learnt today. 

So, yeah, basically, I went to church early in the morning as Elisa had dance practice today. I planned to study a little history at the church but well, it failed. I was so distracted by their performance and stuff like that. It was really meaningful though. A person without a phone is meant to be laughed by the others. That's terribly bad! Materialistic stuff makes one become so sinful. Yeah, I mean the performance, it brought up such a good sarcasm for people nowadays. 

Well, I was alone watching them practising (b'cause I'll be the chairman on that day). I thank God that I don't have to dance, to be honest, I'm really bad at dancing. I still remember how idiotic I was when I danced last year. Okay, I'm not stupid, what I mean is my gift do talent is not dancing. I don't wanna spoil everything. 

The ability to sing and talk is a great gift from God. I can sing! I love singing alto, soprano is also quite fun. Well, I feel so sad that I can't join the choir this year. The most sorrowful thing is that my parents don't encourage me to join choir! I really pray that they'll one day know the meaning of living on the earth. 

Alright, I have to start studying! History here I come. I wanna digest you till there's an A+ for you in my SPM cert. 

Kay, bye! XO

Emily

03/08/2014

Burning

Hey, it's time for blogging again. 

I'm just about to finish my English homework. Things are kinda great today! 

I bought a pair fipper slippers. It's turquoise in colour and I love it! I love colourful stuff. It costs me RM 14 something. I shouldn't be spending much now as I've actually promised to live a simple life. I'm trying, uh, thank God I didn't buy the black skirt. I cannot spend too much. 

By the way, I eat a lot. My weight gained so much since last year. I kinda don't care about it but I don't like looking fat. Anyway, I still can't resist the desire of eating food. I should fast and pray so that I'm not tempted by things in the world such as FOOD. Oh well, this is quite a serious issue, I'm easily tempted. Sad...

Just to update my current status. I'm so stressed out for exams. I'm sure that I'll go for medicine and I needa study extremely hard. A- and B+ can't bring me far. I have to do more. Well, don't aim to be the best but always do my best! God is great. #everythingthatidoisforgod

I stopped choir, club and Instagram. My time is more for studying now. I've done lots of stuff just to control myself form being tempted. I don't wanna waste time since it's the limiting factor. 

Before school starts, I should read up history and maybe revise some maths. I really hope to get rid of Maths, Chemistry, Moral and Chinese as soon as possible. After these four are done, I'll have an intense training. I keep reminding myself that I'm studying for God, not for myself. Joyful while studying, joyful while serving The Lord. 

I kinda in love with singing Alto. It's hard to get the key and stuff like that, though. The most important thing is the attitude of singing. Am I singing to show off? Or am I singing to praise The Lord? The main purpose must be considered every time when anyone is serving The Lord. 

I won't be online on Facebook. But then, you can still message me or contact me with phone. (Get my phone number 😗) 

Bye. 

I'M STRONG WITH GOD IN MY HEART. HE'S MY CORNER STONE. AMEN

Emily

02/08/2014

The 1st of August

After a long night sleep. I'm finally awake. 

Indeed, things happen in unpredictable ways. Time flies as fast as how gas particles diffuse and collide randomly. Okay, too much science. Yeah, it's really quick and till now I finally recall what I've actually done for the past few months. 

January- I was extremely busy about studying. I remember, I wished to score to get really high marks. 

February- Chinese New Year and I got back to hometown. I had a really sad and bad experience, I saw how people classified ones just because they thought you were not holy enough. Enough, you're not a special one, we're all human beings who are created by God and have sins. 

March- Monthly test and Birthday. I strived really hard and I got 9 mixed As except BM for a C. I was so satisfied and b'cause study life was hard. Then, I remember my classmates celebrated my birthday. I love them. 

April- The most significant thing in this month would be photography. I helped my classmates to take photos for school magazine. I enjoyed shooting with them, they were just like children. 

May- Having mid-term exams and I was totally stressed out. I told my mum that I didn't wanna study the day before each subject. Of course I got really dissaponiting marks. I felt so far from going into a medical school. 

June- Holidays and I spent my weeks reading the Chinese trilogy. It was great. But then I had a really hard time when school started. I needa study and do decorations for Blue house at the same time. I fell sick once because of not enough sleep and I forced to go home during school time. I cried once at night, and my good friend kind of encouraged me. I will never forget about that night. Also, I joined church choir and had lots of fun. 

July- Monthly test again, it was like so soon. I didn't prepare much. So most of my results were B+. Sorry, I know I'm too career minded, but then I really have to take much care of it since I'm sure to be a doctor next time. Then church choir stuff made me kinda busy and couldn't manage to do my English homework. Okay, that's okay. Well, then I had church camp and God told me something very in-obviously which was to do healing job int the future.

August- Today, the M10 starts. I'm actually very afraid of it. I don't know if I can wake up that early to read the bible and think and pray. Well, don't worry too much. My goal of the month, finish all the syllabus and read the bible everyday. Discipline is so greatly needed! 

I have strength, He's my corner stone. 

Bye

Emily

01/08/2014

 

The last day of July

Hey, I know this is my 1st post after church camp. 

I feel really different now. Well, I feel loved of course but there's this feeling of unwilling to let people to come in my life.

Actually, I'm not really sure how I feel or maybe what in my mind is. It's really different. Uh, I don't know. 

Life hasn't been so hesitating and so mixed up. The environment is changing drastically, too much. I'm supposed to be quite adaptive. Yeah, I'm but, when I stop at once. I just wake up and realise what's actually going on. 

I need to think, things go too quick and fast. It's already the last day of July. While looking back, my mind can't even recall anything that I've actually done. My mormories seem to have gone. Or maybe I'm just too busy to stop and look back. 

Exams is around the corner. I've already had known what God's been trying to tell me. That's to offer my life for God. I really have to do this, like seriously. I needa work hard! 

Changes in my life make me such a different person. I'm no longer that unfriendly and cold person. I feel weird and I'm weird. I don't know. Uh, I'm so random. 

31/07/2014

I've tried

Probably, it's the 2nd post of today. 

I went to the church at 10:30am and had a really good time there studying Physics. I really thank God that He bless me so much. Brothers in Chirst are so kind and friendly. 

I don't wanna talk much, I hate talking right now. People keep judging you after you've said something. Then, no point talking. Sorry, I'm just fed up of being judged. Everyone sins, I accept my sons and I've been trying my best to change it. I'm trying, but can't you just stop judging? It's not only what you see. I'm sorry. 

I feel so sad, extremely. I've been doing jobs when my mum needed me. I can't say anything. I'm not a perfect person, I'm trying. I won't cry. God's created everyone that way, people are weak, we need God. I'm not God, I have sins and I greatly need God. 

Singing is cool and good today. I thank God. Suddenly, I want my mum back. She's the one who knows me. I can't deal with judging. I hate it, seriously. 

People have sins. I know I have to pray for them, pray for myself and everyone. 

Bye, I'm too tired to be tired. (If you get what I mean) 

Sorry, I didn't do my best yet. 

Emily 

26/07/2014

Fire in my bones

Hey, I'm in dark while writing this post. 

Obviously, I just woke up. Gonna start my day with the blog and reading the bible. Today's gonna be a long day. I'll have to go my church for studying 6 hours and practising singing for 2.5 hours. Another half hour is to have lunch outside. Yeah, ALONE. 

So yeah, I'm quite motivated since don't know when. My aim of every day is to study and not to waste time. But then, it's very hard as I take up a lot of activities. Well, it's stressful for me, but I know God's got His amazing plan on me. 

Helping people seems to be a must for me. I know that, serving yourself for the people is serving for Lord. I wanna induce people as I've seen like almost 85% of the people around me are so passive, not pro-active at all. That's really bad, they're just selfish, self-centred and ego! I can't stand. God's actually asking me to be the salt and the light of these people, can't you see? Too obvious. 

This paragraph will be a little bit nonsense, I suppose. Well, I'm sure that my life is for God. I feel great to serve the Lord because my life is given by Him. Then, I'd want my 'life-partner' to be one as well. The person must love God more than me. If one doesn't love God, he never ever knows how to really love a person. Till now, I can hardly see anyone who's like that. The uncivilised world, wait, talking about this makes me feel so sad about this world and angry at the same time. 

Yeah, singing is uneasy. Anyway, I believe that God still likes my offerings if I do really wanna offer myself. God's great, my voice is created by Him. I know the Heavenly Father loves me more than I love Him. 

WE LOVE, BECAUSE HE FIRST LOVES US. 

Bye!:) 

Emily

26/07/2014

Stronger

Follow my head not my heart.

So yeah, it's blogging time. I feel nothing today, seriously nothing. Time passes really fast, I can hardly chase it. 

Well, I'm guilty by the way, for not doing my homework. I was shivering while teacher asked me to say out my answers. Then, I just told her, 'No, I'm not done. Sorry...'. It took me so so so much energy to say this. I couldn't face the lazy me, the one that didn't do her responsibility. 

Well, that's okay. I'll be more hardworking, then. I believe there's always a way, no matter what happens as God's already prepared for it. Trust him and live your life. 

My specs were stolen yesterday. I miss my glasses so much. I can't see any logic in stealing others' specs when you don't even have the same power as the owner of the glasses. Sad, I went to get a new one. I chose a really big pair which I think they suit me. 

I'm so fed up of people who're ego. I dislike it. You're just the same as the others, can you respect the others and not look down on those who're not as good as you in certain fields? Yeah, okay, you might not know you sin. I'll pray for you then. I feel so sad for the world. I must be the one of those who wanna change the world. 

I feel bad sometimes. I think I'm just an idiot. Too stupid, a lot of times. I've taken up so many activities and I give myself so many unecessary headache. I just wanna laugh at myself.

Maybe God wants me to learn something. THE WEAK IS STRONG. I shall not be so self-centred. 

Bye

Emily

24/07/2014

Chinese

Hello. I'm a Chinese Malaysian. 

You must be very curious about 'Chinese Malaysian', huh? Yeah, it's a Malaysian whose race is Chinese. And, I'm one. 

Basically, Chinese Malaysians (still Malaysians) are people whose great, great-grand father/mother was from China and then settled in Malaysia some decades ago. Hmm, my grandfather moved to Bintulu since 6 years old, so we're all Malaysians 👴

Well, so what am I gonna talk about it? Okay, it's not a big deal but kinda a great matter. Most of us (as in Chinese Malaysians) know 3 languages which are Malay, English and Mandarin. Indeed, me too. I come from a Chinese speaking family and my mother tongue is Mandarin ( even though I'm a Foo Chow). 

So, naturally, I speak in Chinese even in school. I can't see any wrong yeah I know it is sometimes not respectful to those who don't know how to speak Chinese, sorry, but no one can ever say I can't use this language. I really don't like the way that people tease people who speak Chinese. 

I'm not sure why people look down on Chinese. It's a hard-to-be-learnt language but a world wide and international language. So, please don't insult anyone who speaks Chinese! I know that you guys keep thinking English is the best out of best but what era is this? I can't see why people still have this not open minded mind. We speak not to be looked up, but to COMMUNICATE with each other. I don't know why people are bad at understanding this really important point. *sigh

I admit that speaking Chinese in an English lesson is quite irrespective. Sorry teacher, I couldn't control. But then, never ever take this matter super seriously. It's only talking! There's no a purposely act to be so irrespective, honestly. 

I'm glad that I know Chinese and I can write, read and anything with Chinese. I'm proud and thankful that I've got the chance to learn Chinese. It's never a SHAME. I really don't like criticism.

THERE'S NO CLASS AND LEVER OR STANDARD FOR HUMANS, HUMANS ARE JUST ONE OF THE GREAT AND AMAZING CREATIONS OF GOD. 

Don't look down on others just because you think that you're more. We're all the same in God. 

I'm a little annoyed by those people who're so racist. I pity their uncivilised mind. I feel so sorry. 

Bye

Emily

21/07/2014

No obsession

Just a short post. 

Hey, I did quite a lot of things today. 

I went to the library for 3.5 hours, finished the whole chapter 3 of Biology. It was not enjoyable b'cause I had to be disciplined so that I could manage to finish my task of the day.

After that, it was Chinese tuition time. I was extremely tired but I laughed throughout the lesson. It was really fun, I love them, I love the teacher as well:) 

Well, I don't know what I'm actually thinking about? Am I obsessed with anyone? Can I just say no? Not even my twin sister or my parents. I feel free, alone, only me. That's nice though. I like the feeling of being one. 

It's time to read the bible and write an essay. All the best for the new week! Be motivated and let's work:)

Bye

Emily

19/07/2014

Anger

Hey!

I'm great today, how about you? I've been practicing playing the piano for Praise and Worship. There're only 3 songs but I'm about to die. Okay, too exaggerating.

So yeah, today's a Thursday. I went to school and it was quite fun. I love talking so much. Uh, I plan to be mute after this, shh, don't tell anyone. I know I'm too noisy. 

Anger, I'm sad and disappointed about what people nowadays do. I pity girls, lots of the time, they're just cheated! CHEATED. Well, you know, I can't stand it. Some guys are just irresponsible. I'm not saying all guys, just some. They just wanna seek for fun and spend time to 'play'. It's too idiotic. You're too young to know what's being together. Haha, can I just laugh? The unplanned things, no guarantee. Too stupid.

I'm sorry to use bad words. I really feel so sad for girls who are trapped. I admit that I'm a person who trusts almost everyone. Till now, I still haven't been cheated. (I feel so) I know that, being cheated hurts. 

Can't people just know what they're doing? Can't they have true love? Now, I know that without knowing God, you'll never ever know what true love is. 

People who cheat, look down on love. 

I pray that God'll do his work to protect the cheated ones. 

Okay, bye. 

Emily

17/07/2014

Normal

Today's a school day. 

I feel normal, yeah, I mean great. 

You might find me a person who keeps putting on a smile. Obviously, I feel hopeful from my heart. 

I believe that at any moment, I'll die. That must be quite a sad thing, but the peace that I feel because of Christ makes me a person who doesn't fear of death. Happiness and joy, peace and love, God's given me all. 

Well, I gotta study hard now. Maybe take a nap first. Too tired. 

Bye:)

Emily

16/07/2014

Second

2 posts in a day. 

I'm just done with a little piano practice, gonna do revision of Chinese. I'm wondering about so many things.

Things that're in my mind:

- Who is reading my blog? Why do people read?

- Does anyone dislike me? 

- Where will I go in the future?

- Am I the only one who's crazy about almost everything?

- Will I die tomorrow?

- What will God do to me? Is He actually using me?

- Have I been a really terrible person? 

- Can I go somewhere else? 

- Can I cage myself in a place where no one else can come in? I need a long time to do this, maybe 4 months, for studying. 

I wanna read the bible everyday. I've been skipping it for more than a month I think. I feel so bad:(

Okay bye!

15/07/2014

Fake

It's time for me to blog. 

I just came back from futsal. It was kinda great but I still felt so stupid. Anyway, sweating was so great! I love it, 3 hours, that was a lot, wasn't it? 

So I've been trying to be more friendly and outspoken. I'm learning to be a person like that. I wanna be more outstanding. Eventually, I find myself so fake sometimes. I'm not even sure whether I'm real or fake. I don't know. 

The feeling in my heart is too much that it might flows out some other day. I wish I could be a real person, the really real person who could just say anything. I'm just a failure sometimes. Words that're not same as the actions. 

I'm trying hard to do this and that. I can't. I don't surrender things to God. I don't wanna say much, I feel tired now. 

Bye

Emily

15/07/2014

Sunday

Hey. Today's Monday, kind of a great day. 

This morning, I woke up at 6am. After I went to the toilet, I checked the notification in my phone. Chia Yee sent me a whatsapp message one minute ago. 'GER 2, ARG 0' I was quite happy but not extraodinarily happy about that. I've supported Germany since 4 years ago and still, I'm supporting them. 

It's not all about football that I'm gonna talk in this post. I have thousands of lame and rubbish-ing thoughts to share to almost everyone. I really love talking, I crap too much, too much. I enjoy it but I hate to be so talkative at the same time. I seem to be an active person who can just talk to anyone, yeap, anyone. 

Well, I'm gonna share about what I've been through since Sunday morning.

I had a meeting with my friend at 9am that day at church. He'd be teaching me the ways to play piano accompaniment. 15 minutes, my twin and I waited him for 15 minutes. That's okay, 'I'm okay!'.I don't like it but I'm still quite okay with it. Then, he taught me some ways and stuff like that which I didn't really understand b'cause I'm such a dumb (Too much, shouldn't have said this, I'm terrible). 

Then, we had Sunday school. Things went on so well. 'Sharing' for the whole session! I love it so much, my teacher forgot to prepare what he should have done. Oh well, I was quite happy with that somehow, b'cause I felt so great about sharing thoughts and testimonies. 

After that, my twin and I went to chatime with Ms Mandy, who's kinda cute haha. She's friendly and kind. We had a great time as we talked a lot and I had Hazelnut milk tea (I think it was called that, not so sure). Then we got back to church and would have choir practice. 

Choir practice. It was great. I sang the soprano part like what I did for the past few weeks. Everything went really well. Afterall, I went for testing my voice. *drums* I'm actually an alto! I can sing the low pitch which I had wanted to sing. I couldn't believe what God did on me. That shocked me, F, low F. I feel like a cool guy. 

So yeah, then I went to the cafeteria in my church. I wanted to do my homework! But then, one of my friends, who told me he wanted to study medicine as well, he was there with his friends. Okay, then, we talked about school stuff and stuff that was in my brain which was kinda nonsense and irrational. Anyway, talking to him was such a great fun. I got someone to listen to me and give comments and discuss something that we face in lives. Wish to talk like that everyday, but once in a week is probably good enough!:)

After he left, I sat quietly writing my essay. The cafeteria was empty and I enjoyed the silence so much. Just a sudden, I saw a guy walking down from upstairs. Oh, that Sibu guy. We talked about some twin thing and then I did my work. (I wanted to finish the essay so so so badly)

Finally, Elisa was done with her committee meeting. We waited at the cafeteria for 10 minutes and talked to one of my Sunday school teachers. I kept asking him for tips to score A+ for moral. Uh...

Then we went home. 

I forgot to write the new friend part:( I gotta do my another essay now. Tomorrow futsal yay! 

Bye 

Emily 

14/07/2014

Motivated

Hi!

I just woke up from my sleep. It's now 7.05am. I want to study Physics so badly b'cause of my bad result for monthly test which gave me a motivation to strive hard for Physics. 

Yesterday was a busy but happy day. I felt great all the way. I did quite a lot of things, especially having a modelling shoot for myself. When I was doing the past year paper of music theory, suddenly, I had the urge to take photos in my T-shirt, specs and my hair. 

Am I really good at photography? I don't think so. I'm just having the sense of 'niceness' which I've had it since I was young. Well, like I coloured and drew quite well when I really wanted to do a piece of art or something like that. 

Besides photography, my next greatest hobby is definitely talking. I love talking so much. Sharing and listening to people, uh, I talk a lot of craps though. That's not good. However I don't gossip, the Holy Spirit leads me all the way, not judging anyone. 

Alright, it's time to start my studying! 

My 'shocked' portrait.

Bye,

Emily 

12/07/2014

Learning

It's the time for me to blog again. 

Today's great, honestly! Before I went to school, my heart was full of hope and joy. I was quite sure that today would be a really great day. Even though there wasn't electric supply to our classroom, I had a fun time with my classmates, had bio class, then free periods and then add maths at Scout dent. They were all good:)

I thought I'd get really bad result for add maths, but not true, God gave me 72%! I'm so glad although I still think I didn't do well. I thank God for what I have and what I don't have. 

Marks sometimes bother me a lot. I keep asking myself to treat every test as a game so as to relax myself while doing any papers. I did it, and I didn't care much about tests like how I used to. 

My English teacher asked a question, 'What if one day you found out that you were an adopted child?' This question made me think about what I told Elisa last night. I'm a person who's carefree. I don't care about anything as I know what I encounter has already been planned by God and for everywhere I go, there'll always be a way. Therefore, my answer to the question is 'I'd still live my life like how I'm living right now!' and I'd give a pleasant smile for answering this question. 

I'm an odd person though. I'm not rigid, I'm too changeable. Sometimes, I don't even know why on earth I'm doing that particular work. I'm so funny, aren't I? 

Well, I don't think there'll be anyone who understands me well. Will there? Let me wait for it. I'm thinking of too many unecessary things. I have to learn to let everything go, the things that aren't for me. 

I love talking. 

I've just done my work at school for the Nature club thingy. The members who came were really committed. I love all of you:* without you guys, I couldn't imagine how I was to suffer from cleaning such a smelly and dirty store room. Your hardwork is so so appreciated:) 

I need to force myself hard now. Studying like a crazy person. I can't be so relaxed since I'm gonna face a very important exams which can probably affect my life. I must stand up, I have to do it for God. 

Things that I've learnt today:

a) Never ask why but how I'm gonna do this work

b) Treat every work as God's work and you'll do it joyfully

Pray for me, bye!

Emily

10/07/2014

Self management

Yo. My days have been great. 

So, I'm gonna start talking about how bad my result is. I got really bad marks for all the subjects. Who asked me to go for so many activities, huh? I learned one thing, you're the only one who's responsible for your choice. So, take time to consider when you need to make a decision. That definitely helps you from getting stuck in unecessary responsibility which can cause you busy and so stressed out. 

Currently, I wanna go back to a life that I push myself so hard until I can do anything else except studying. I have to learn to be disciplined. Studying for God! 

I have tons of work to do. Malay literature and history will probably be the first that I have to 'eat'. I really need to get motivated and study like I'm really sitting for a public exam. 

I have so much work to do. I have Nature Club meeting tomorrow. I have to do my part as a president. I pray that God'll guide me throughout the whole meeting session as I'll be doing a great job. My assistant is too hardcore, he keeps putting everything on his shoulder like he's the only one that can be trusted. Maybe I'm too unreliable, okay, never mind, it's alright.

Before today ends, I must:

a) understand chapter 5 for history

b) do a Malay essay which is about Nature

c) read at least a Malay short story

Hmm, pray for me. 

Bye 

Emily 

09/07/2014

I

Hi. 

I had a really great time with my dad, my sister and my brother this morning as we went shopping and I bought some stuff. 

Well, I have a sense of remorse in my heart. I feel sorry, sorry to those who have done so much things for me, sorry to those who have spent their precious time on me. I just feel as if I've broken their heart. I tangled myself and let both us fall. 

I'm still living in my own world. I don't think about the others, everything that I say is always surrounds with the word 'I'. Too much, too much. 

I wish to start everything all over again. I'm too selfish, I only think of myself. I need God to heal me. 

I'm not sure whether anyone who reads this can understand what I'm trying to say. Anyway, anything, whatever. 

Bye

Emily 

05.06.2014

Hurt

Hello, finally, monthly test game was over. I'm sure I did badly for Malay. Well, it was just a game. 

I felt so ill this morning. I had a really bad flu, but I thank God for my friends Huan Zhe and Edward who helped to take my stuff and call my dad. I thank Gor for giving me both of you as my friends, still owe Huan Zhe an ice-cream, haha.

I felt truly sick, the mucos in my nose kept dripping out and I couldn't stop sneezing these 2 days. I must haven't got enough sleep as I stayed back yesterday to do some cleaning work. Well, honestly, God has His own amazing plan. While I was carring a heavy box, a really helpful person came and helped me. I was so pleased b'cause I'd never been helped. Good one, I feel happy for the world. 

I'm a cold person, aren't I? I'm so unfriendly to the others. I shut myself. No one can ever be close to me. To be honest, I'm not a good person:( I'm afraid of hurting the one that's close to me and then go away. 

Oh yeah, I wanna talk about Kit Yong. She was a really good friend. I had a little revision time with her this morning. She didn't seem to have memorised all, but I could see she tried. I thank God for her as well:) 

Alright. I needa get up and work. 

Bye 

Emily

04.07.2014

Weirdo

Hello. 

I don't know what to say. 

I just feel down, down, down. 

What I thought wasn't right. 

I've tried to be so calm and serious and stuff. I can't control myself. 

I just wanna hide myself. I can't let it go. I just can't. I feel too bad. 

I'm such a stupid person. No one understands me. I guess no one. Not even the one that I think.

Pray. I have to pray. Let it go. 

Bye

Emily 

03.07.2014

Real and unreal

Hey, I just woke up from my nap. I did so much last minute studying yesterday. 

Today was great. I had 3 papers, they were quite okay. Uh, tests are not what I'm gonna talk about in this post, though. I have the urge of wanting to share about the real and unreal stuff of me.

It's been really unreal (that means fake) for me to be a good student, a good daughter and a good person. From my teachers' comments on me, they keep saying that 'Emily's a hardworking girl'. My bio teacher is even worse, she gave me full marks and wrote 'V. Good' for me. When I saw all the compliments that I got from all my lovely teachers, I felt that they were actually cheated. I ain't as good as they thought. I'm a super lazy person, I go online a lot, I love electronic gadgets more than I like any subjects, I watch TV everyday, the most I like is talking. I'm sorta a disturbance, I feel. 

Not only that, I'm kinda a real, good student in my classmates' eyes. I definitely do my homework (all the stuff that teachers ask us to do). Well, honestly, I do, but sometimes I don't and I feel really guilty after that. I have debts for many subjects as well. I'm not good. 

My mum's another one who's cheated by me. Well, she told me that I was the only child who helped her massage and do a little housework. I did all this b'cause I think it's an obligation. I'm not good. Plus, she said I seldom make her angry. (This is a really idiotic sentence, I've been an extremely bad bad bad person, I can hardly make my parents happy. For instance, I begged them to buy me a RM 3k canon 700D, an iPhone, and expensive clothes) 

I'm a real cheater, honestly. How many people has been cheated by how I take up so seriously about my responsibility. Well, I joke a lot, I've also been so irresponsible. I've done thousands of really stupid things. I think, only my twin sister who keeps telling me that I'm stupid is not cheater by me. 

Truly, I feel stupid most of the time. I'll feel people I feel old to indicate that I feel idiotic. Sometimes when I was about to scold people with bad words, I just controlled myself. That's why no one sees me using bad words. Also, I've insulted many people. I'm too terrible. I think about a lot of bad stuff sometimes.

I'm not living a good testimonial life, but I know God has His plan on me. I'm sometimes lost, lost in a way that I forgot about Him and kept thinking of some really unnecessary things. 

I feel so fake. I'm not an honest person everytime I'm dealing with people. I don't know how many people would be my friends if I was really real? I don't know I'm talk about, maybe I'm already real. 

Trying to be tough. God loves you and me. 

Bye 

Emily 

02.07.2014

Alone

Hello, how's life? I've been studying for monthly test lately. I just wanna finish all the syllabus.

I'm thinking of the thing that I'm afraid of the most. My answer is loneliness. 

I'm scared of being alone. Not doing stuff  by my own that kinda alone but the loneliness that God doesn't want me to be His child. If that really happened, I would be in a total death. I can't think more than that, that's already trerribly bad. I can't bear with it. 

I've been wasting my time doing something stupid as well. I don't know, maybe I'm just too stupid to do what smart people do. Oh well, it's good to be a stupid person sometimes. I really like talking. I can just talk about anything that you can think of. I like sharing testimonies that God's done on my life. Too much. Too blessed. 

A new number for contacting with other people is great enough for my current life. 

I ultimately get what I've always wended to. I don't like showing off, I'm the kind of person who wants people to know me as they really want to know. I'm not sure whether you get what I mean. I feel like rambling. 

Alright, I have to get up and start studying chemistry. I must put in my whole effort. God's there with me. He definitely is. His plan is too unpredictably amazing. 

I don't say I like anyone as I'd rather act it out how I love people. Seriously, I'm honest. 

P/s: I don't like people who like the others just b'cause they look good. 

Bye,

Emily 

01/07/2014

This week

Hey, how's life? I'm gonna talk about this week. 

Yesterday was my school's sport's day. It wasn't an interesting day, neither was it boring. Well, I took part in many events. One of my events was house decoration. It was definitely an event that you could see how God's plan was on me.

I was super duper busy doing deco things at school this week, staying back till 5 something, then, till 6 something. After I came home, I had no more strength to do anything. Maybe a little of homework could be done. 

My team was full of girls, some of them were absolutely great. They did their work really well, but a few of them were not that good, seriously, sometimes I just felt so mad about their work. 

Anyway, God's brought me till the day that I had to show all the things that I'd been doing. It was not great, you know? I ran everywhere like a crazy person, just to get things done. I was a total failure. I scolded somebody, I'm so sorry, I don't mean that, I was so so so stressed out. I know you guys understand:) 

I'm thankful that my teachers' advisors were kind of great, especially Pn Zainun. She did so much work as she was the one who save us. Truly, one of my team members, Xiu Ling was so committed. I know she did her part, she cried after I'd cried. 

Smoothly, everything set up but not on time. The people came to the house and it was a total disaster, we didn't get good marks, indeed. After all, they announced the winners wrongly. How can that be? I felt so 'no face'. I know I didn't do my work well, why on earth I could get the prize? 

God's plan is just unpredictably amazing in his way. In this case, maybe he really wants me to be humble, to be a good example. I needa read the bible, I don't wanna be lost again, or maybe I'm already lost? 

One thing I wanna thank God of is one of my really good friend and my sister. Encouragement and support, I thank God to have them:) 

I thank God if I win, I thank God even I lose. I thak God for everything that I have, that I don't have. I don't deserve all these but He's the one who's given me so so much. 

Haha, I got third for 4x100m, 4x400m and 200m. Can't you see His amazing plan on my legs?

Studying week starts now, monthly tests is not even more than a week from now. I gotta work more and be tougher and stronger in God. 

Okay, bye!

Emily

28.06.2014

Hectic

Hello, I just finished 2 papers today! History was kinda killing me. 

This week has been a really busy week. I've got so, so much work to do. Guess what, I'm the head of decoration for Blue house which this house has won medals for almost every year. I'm a little stressed out b'cause there're so many problems:(

Paper mâché, paper mâché! *sigh* 

So, I did duty on Monday (photographer), sprinted and ran on Tuesday, discussed deco thingy on Wednesday, did the same thing again on Thursday, caged myself at home for studying on Friday. Uh, my life is really busy. 

I'm having bad flu this week, I went home from school on Thursday. It was terrible. I was tired as I didn't have enough sleep before that day. Uh, anyway, it's just 'flu'.

I'm waiting for something which I mentioned before, I'll get my dad's old phone instead of a new one. 

Well, I'm trying to control my mind. Surrender things to God!

Emily

21.06.2014

New game

School starts today! 

I did lots of unecessary work in school today. It was really tiring, walking here and there. I was the main photographer for Hari Koperasi, it wasn't a fun job although I like taking photos. 

I was really down, people call that emo. I wasn't in a really good mood b'cause I've been trying to play a physiological game with both my parents. I wanna be a good student who is disciplined, has good grades and stuff and stuff. I wanna get an iPhone. 

Well, I'll be staying in school for the whole day for the next 4 days, running, decorating and some more things. You know, Sport's Day is coming and I have so much work to do. Uh, I have monthly test on this coming Saturday. Can I bear with it? Because I desperately want a phone, I'll definitely strive hard to get what I want. I'm kinda bad, huh?

Till today, I've got the results for 7 out of 10 of my subjects. I can't say it was bad but neither Xin I say it was good. I got 1A+, 1A, 4A- and 1B+. It was bad that 1 got 74 for my moral subject which gave my my first B+. Haiz, A-, I can't complain anymore, I didn't really study for it, did I? No:( I was so stressed out that I told Elisa that I gave up during the exam time. Sacarstically, I was a 'good' student. Okay, good game. 

I have to finish Add maths homework by today, finish my history revision by today. I gotta work extremely hard now. It's a new game, I don't wanna lose. Oh yeah, I have to practise singing my church choir song, I hope I can sing it well, though I'm not very sure whether I'm a soprano. 

Kay, I'm hungry, it's diner time. Oh, before I forget, I've started prohibiting myself to go online. No Facebook starting from today. I'm lazy to care about people in school. Dad, can you buy me an iPhone 5c? 

Do I deserve it? Not really, I need to work hard to prove that I'm not a waste. 

I have to read the bible. I'm afraid that I've gone lost. 

Emily

16/06/2014

Little secret

Hey, readers! I wonder how many people read my blog, maybe none of you is my friend.

Oh well, that's not a big deal. Maybe only me, myself care about this blog which is so picture-less and uninteresting. It's okay, I don't need people, do I?

I wanna talk about getting a phone. Seriously, this issue has been dragging me since I don't now when. I want a phone, not really want, but I need it. If you're not me, you don't actually know the feeling of being in such a strict family. My mum is honestly a good mother, the way she used to teaching me was so good, even better than the school teacher, you know. She was too energetic, but my twin sister and I still didn't get really good grades while we were in primary school. However, I managed to get straight As in the public exam due to my ego. She's still strict but not really, after she found out that I'm actually even stricter than her while doing my work. That's true, I have been placing myself in a stressful situation where I have to be disciplined enough to cope with my demands.

Phone, I need one. Currently, I hate Facebook so much. Without it, I couldn't live. I can, but my life is so so hard. I don't have a phone. I have to check Facebook about everyday, in case there's something really important. Desperately, I need a phone. So, I wrote an email to my dad, proposing that I want an iPhone 5c, telling him the reasons of wanting a phone and how I promised I'll be a good person after all. That's a brilliant idea, isn't it? I don't dare to tell my mum about my idea of wanting something more than RM1k which would probably make me a wilder child. Hmm, I'm a really good student, in my friends' minds. I suppose no one thinks that I'll do something wild.

The greatest reason of promising I won't do anything bad in the email is that I'm Emily. Yeah, I'm Emily, I won' do this or that. I was using myself, my attitude to guarantee that I will still be a good student, a good daughter and etc. The most astonishing ending of my email is that 'I know what I'm doing'. This is the best saying of the year. In this sentence, the confidence and promise are shown. I'll be responsible for what I've done.

I like gadgets no because of having all these make me a better person. Nope. The reason is that, from all the new technologies, my brain will like attracting all the mathematics and physics automatically. I don't know why, I think I should study to be an E&E engineer. That might be my right track.

Money, I don't even have a penny. My dad loves me so much that he could even give me a star from the sky. I thank God for him. While comparing myself with my friends, I can say, I'm so much blessed. First, is to know God, second is to have a dad like my dad. He's not stingy, he gives his time, his money, himself to his children.

So, I haven't told my mum about my idea. One day, she'll know about it. I don't wanna share. Sharing in this way is too much, no privacy. I don't like it. I want to have my own thing. Sometimes, I just feel lonely that I don't even know I'm so alone. It's hard to mix with others, don't you think so?


Emily
13/06/2014