Real and unreal

Hey, I just woke up from my nap. I did so much last minute studying yesterday. 

Today was great. I had 3 papers, they were quite okay. Uh, tests are not what I'm gonna talk about in this post, though. I have the urge of wanting to share about the real and unreal stuff of me.

It's been really unreal (that means fake) for me to be a good student, a good daughter and a good person. From my teachers' comments on me, they keep saying that 'Emily's a hardworking girl'. My bio teacher is even worse, she gave me full marks and wrote 'V. Good' for me. When I saw all the compliments that I got from all my lovely teachers, I felt that they were actually cheated. I ain't as good as they thought. I'm a super lazy person, I go online a lot, I love electronic gadgets more than I like any subjects, I watch TV everyday, the most I like is talking. I'm sorta a disturbance, I feel. 

Not only that, I'm kinda a real, good student in my classmates' eyes. I definitely do my homework (all the stuff that teachers ask us to do). Well, honestly, I do, but sometimes I don't and I feel really guilty after that. I have debts for many subjects as well. I'm not good. 

My mum's another one who's cheated by me. Well, she told me that I was the only child who helped her massage and do a little housework. I did all this b'cause I think it's an obligation. I'm not good. Plus, she said I seldom make her angry. (This is a really idiotic sentence, I've been an extremely bad bad bad person, I can hardly make my parents happy. For instance, I begged them to buy me a RM 3k canon 700D, an iPhone, and expensive clothes) 

I'm a real cheater, honestly. How many people has been cheated by how I take up so seriously about my responsibility. Well, I joke a lot, I've also been so irresponsible. I've done thousands of really stupid things. I think, only my twin sister who keeps telling me that I'm stupid is not cheater by me. 

Truly, I feel stupid most of the time. I'll feel people I feel old to indicate that I feel idiotic. Sometimes when I was about to scold people with bad words, I just controlled myself. That's why no one sees me using bad words. Also, I've insulted many people. I'm too terrible. I think about a lot of bad stuff sometimes.

I'm not living a good testimonial life, but I know God has His plan on me. I'm sometimes lost, lost in a way that I forgot about Him and kept thinking of some really unnecessary things. 

I feel so fake. I'm not an honest person everytime I'm dealing with people. I don't know how many people would be my friends if I was really real? I don't know I'm talk about, maybe I'm already real. 

Trying to be tough. God loves you and me. 

Bye 

Emily 

02.07.2014