Tears

For the time I felt that no one understood me, I cried, not because of the camera, but my family. 

This was the 1st time I did it this year, I'll never forget it. 

2nd time, I was totally out of control. Tears ran out of both my small eyes, making they flood. The way both of them questioning and trying to change my mind made me feel too insecure. 'Does she love me?', I asked myself, I had no answer. I felt as if I had just had a fight, a battle? No, not really. 

The next day, I felt so down and depressed. 'Why do I live on the earth?', the neurons in my whole body kept transferring impulses so as to look for the right place to generate electricity, to find the answer. In church, I asked my teacher about this question, I didn't think he actually answered my question. That was so true. After that, I went to an 'animal adoption fare', I'm not sure how I should call it, though. Well, before that I had had a really bad communication with my 2nd sister, I didn't think that she understood me, not at all. I felt as if she was comparing me, and didn't allow me to go where I wanna go. I was sad, grief in my heart, too cold. As I came home, I was too terrible, I cried for the 3rd time this year. Finally, I know the reason of crying for both the times. I actually didn't feel loved from my family, maybe I did, well, I'm not sure. I really thank God for placing Elisa next to me all the time, I only trust her, I mean, on the earth. I felt how God loved me through the presence of Elisa. 

For the 3rd time I cried was on the next day, a Monday. I was definitely stressed out. I couldn't bear with it, I learned nothing for the past 4 months in my English tuition. Wastage of time and money, too invaluable. At the end, I found out that I've been actually living in my own world. The world is a place that I suffer every day, non stop. Or I should say that I basically imagined myself in a world that I had to work for the whole day like how the 20 century people work. Forced. Uneasy. Poverty. No choice. The only way I can do to change my 'life' is to be hardworking. This means, mentally, I'm in a really bad place where I have to do stuff to live my life, and when I have time, I have to study, because only studying can change my life. Well, physically, I'm like princess who can have anything that I wanna have. That's why my mind is always thankful for what my physical body has. 

Am I confusing you? I think I'm. It's very hard for me to explain something that I've imagined without myself knowing for a really long period of time. I'm exhausted. I seem to be lost. I need God to guide me. 'Do I really believe in God?' Let me think about this super duper simple question tonight. I'm sleepy but tonnes of work is waiting for me. I can't rest. Physically and mentally. Pray for me. I need God. 

Emily

15/04/2014

Amazing

Creations of God are too amazing, don't you think so? 

Hey, I woke up before 6am today b'cause I soon had a desire to post a blog post and do some photos transferring thingy. Thank God that it's another day for me to live, to do and to LOVE. God's too cool, haha. 

Oh well, amazing, right now, I'm thinking of how amazing God is. How He blessed me since I was born. Well,  the 1st grace that I got from Him of course was my 1st breath on the earth. It made 2nd breath come, 3rd breath come and n of breaths come to continue my life on the earth. Surely, without 1, there won't be 2, without 2, there won't be 3. Can you see how important 1 is? Wow, amazement overloaded. 

Next, my twin sister. She's been next to me since I was in my momma's tummy till now. I bet only twins have the chance of knowing the other creature before they're born. I'm one of the cool ones, I feel blessed. I could even talk to my twin sister before I was born, man, no wonder I'm so talkative. 

Despite all the old granny's good blessings from God (I don't wanna talk too much about my old granny stories, so I'm gonna skip my childhood part), I really thank God for giving me my 5Angsana classmates. They're just wonderful. I don't think they'll be reading this, so I dare to tell you how wonderful they're (You know, sometimes we can't just praise the people on front of them).Throughout the photography sessions that I had with them, I found that we were actually bonded. I mean, indeed, we don't actually really understand each other in my class, but we just can't lose anyone. Not a single person. Yeah, while taking photos, I felt really happy, they did poses and stuff. I know Khamarul and the gang liked their paddy fields so much but Siew Yoong didn't allow them to pose that while taking photos, and I didn't think that there was a problem posing that since they liked it so much. So, I took their paddy field family photo, in the end. To be honest, they sometimes are quite terrible, horrible and awful but they're still great!

5Angsana

Paddy Field Family

Apart from that, I also mixed Kasturi and the gang for English oral test and Sivic project. They're just nice and awesome. Especially Kasturi, she's a really responsible girl, I mean, overly! She did everything by herself and I could see how she loved her friends. Uh, she's just too fabulous! Yie Yin, Geraldine, Raash and Audrey are as nice as well. Well, I thought they were quite weird before I mixed with them, you know, especially Kas, who was my classmate in Form 1. I thought she was not a good person, but actually, she's just insane, haha in doing everything. She's cool, in her way though! Wow, God's really amazing as He placed me in different conditions and let me see how wonderful those people around me are and how I'm so enough with Him. 

A new leaf

Studying... I needa do that for today, tasks and missions that I've given to pressure myself are far too stressing and tiring. I need to concentrate and study as much as possible today. God's great, God's amazing. I'm not sure whether you feel how I feel. I have a thankful heart and I'm positively charged so much. I feel the presence of God, Jesus and Holy Spirit. Hallelujah! 

Pray for me, 

Emily

05/04/2014

Great

'I'm great!' 

I say this sentence for everyday, nothing could be greater than God. The days that I've been through were too blessed. I feel the love from God of how his blessings work on me every single day. I can hardly describe it with words as the grace from God is definitely more than what God's done on me. Far too much. 

Indeed, my days are full of ups and downs. Lots of things don't really go how I think they should be, like I always wanted to get good marks without putting any efforts, but it always turned out that I got disappointing results. Though I'd still smile after getting the results. I've learnt to accept what the things be how it should be. Like when you're to die because the time comes, you have to go. There's no way for you to escape, you must go. Up to this point, we can clearly know that everyone has sins and have our bodies died for it. 

I had a chat with my moral study teacher, she's a Malay who believes in her God. The way she believes is really faithfully, but sadly, she doesn't know who's the real God. Anyway, she told me about her opinion on how life and death is. Then, I found that she's got the same thinking as me. I was kind of impressed when I heard about it. The only thing we can do to deal with death is to have faith in God. Believing that Jesus surely saves us. So, to live on the earth we have to complete our mission, that's to bring people all over the world to Christ. I wanna do this for my entire whole life, just for God.

Lately, I'm very busy about studying and stuff. I have too much work to do, skipping classes and tonnes of homework just come too naturally to me. I have not much time left to study all the subjects. However, I'm trying my best to cope with all these tiring work. They're killing me. Well, but I still feel thankful, especially after finishing each task, because I'm still alive not feeling like dying at all. Yeah, being grateful makes all things great, doesn't it? 

Now, I'm learning to love everyone I encounter. I tell the truth in love. For instance, one of my friends, Kean Hua, he asked me to lend him my camera. Reluctance overwhelmed my mind and heart, I opened my mouth and told him that I couldn't. He then asked me for the reason, I was sort of thinking very hard of why I couldn't let him. I asked myself if I was being biased, or anything. Well, I felt lazy at that time, not willing to go where he would go, so I couldn't 'protect' my camera. Therefore, I didn't let, because I didn't trust him. I didn't want any accidents to happen, you know? 

I have nothing much to tell now, feel so hungry and sleepy. I gotta work harder later, read the bible, use my time to the fullest, so as to glorify God. 

Pray for me, lots of love,

Emily

02/04/2014