The last day of July

Hey, I know this is my 1st post after church camp. 

I feel really different now. Well, I feel loved of course but there's this feeling of unwilling to let people to come in my life.

Actually, I'm not really sure how I feel or maybe what in my mind is. It's really different. Uh, I don't know. 

Life hasn't been so hesitating and so mixed up. The environment is changing drastically, too much. I'm supposed to be quite adaptive. Yeah, I'm but, when I stop at once. I just wake up and realise what's actually going on. 

I need to think, things go too quick and fast. It's already the last day of July. While looking back, my mind can't even recall anything that I've actually done. My mormories seem to have gone. Or maybe I'm just too busy to stop and look back. 

Exams is around the corner. I've already had known what God's been trying to tell me. That's to offer my life for God. I really have to do this, like seriously. I needa work hard! 

Changes in my life make me such a different person. I'm no longer that unfriendly and cold person. I feel weird and I'm weird. I don't know. Uh, I'm so random. 

31/07/2014

I've tried

Probably, it's the 2nd post of today. 

I went to the church at 10:30am and had a really good time there studying Physics. I really thank God that He bless me so much. Brothers in Chirst are so kind and friendly. 

I don't wanna talk much, I hate talking right now. People keep judging you after you've said something. Then, no point talking. Sorry, I'm just fed up of being judged. Everyone sins, I accept my sons and I've been trying my best to change it. I'm trying, but can't you just stop judging? It's not only what you see. I'm sorry. 

I feel so sad, extremely. I've been doing jobs when my mum needed me. I can't say anything. I'm not a perfect person, I'm trying. I won't cry. God's created everyone that way, people are weak, we need God. I'm not God, I have sins and I greatly need God. 

Singing is cool and good today. I thank God. Suddenly, I want my mum back. She's the one who knows me. I can't deal with judging. I hate it, seriously. 

People have sins. I know I have to pray for them, pray for myself and everyone. 

Bye, I'm too tired to be tired. (If you get what I mean) 

Sorry, I didn't do my best yet. 

Emily 

26/07/2014

Fire in my bones

Hey, I'm in dark while writing this post. 

Obviously, I just woke up. Gonna start my day with the blog and reading the bible. Today's gonna be a long day. I'll have to go my church for studying 6 hours and practising singing for 2.5 hours. Another half hour is to have lunch outside. Yeah, ALONE. 

So yeah, I'm quite motivated since don't know when. My aim of every day is to study and not to waste time. But then, it's very hard as I take up a lot of activities. Well, it's stressful for me, but I know God's got His amazing plan on me. 

Helping people seems to be a must for me. I know that, serving yourself for the people is serving for Lord. I wanna induce people as I've seen like almost 85% of the people around me are so passive, not pro-active at all. That's really bad, they're just selfish, self-centred and ego! I can't stand. God's actually asking me to be the salt and the light of these people, can't you see? Too obvious. 

This paragraph will be a little bit nonsense, I suppose. Well, I'm sure that my life is for God. I feel great to serve the Lord because my life is given by Him. Then, I'd want my 'life-partner' to be one as well. The person must love God more than me. If one doesn't love God, he never ever knows how to really love a person. Till now, I can hardly see anyone who's like that. The uncivilised world, wait, talking about this makes me feel so sad about this world and angry at the same time. 

Yeah, singing is uneasy. Anyway, I believe that God still likes my offerings if I do really wanna offer myself. God's great, my voice is created by Him. I know the Heavenly Father loves me more than I love Him. 

WE LOVE, BECAUSE HE FIRST LOVES US. 

Bye!:) 

Emily

26/07/2014

Stronger

Follow my head not my heart.

So yeah, it's blogging time. I feel nothing today, seriously nothing. Time passes really fast, I can hardly chase it. 

Well, I'm guilty by the way, for not doing my homework. I was shivering while teacher asked me to say out my answers. Then, I just told her, 'No, I'm not done. Sorry...'. It took me so so so much energy to say this. I couldn't face the lazy me, the one that didn't do her responsibility. 

Well, that's okay. I'll be more hardworking, then. I believe there's always a way, no matter what happens as God's already prepared for it. Trust him and live your life. 

My specs were stolen yesterday. I miss my glasses so much. I can't see any logic in stealing others' specs when you don't even have the same power as the owner of the glasses. Sad, I went to get a new one. I chose a really big pair which I think they suit me. 

I'm so fed up of people who're ego. I dislike it. You're just the same as the others, can you respect the others and not look down on those who're not as good as you in certain fields? Yeah, okay, you might not know you sin. I'll pray for you then. I feel so sad for the world. I must be the one of those who wanna change the world. 

I feel bad sometimes. I think I'm just an idiot. Too stupid, a lot of times. I've taken up so many activities and I give myself so many unecessary headache. I just wanna laugh at myself.

Maybe God wants me to learn something. THE WEAK IS STRONG. I shall not be so self-centred. 

Bye

Emily

24/07/2014

Chinese

Hello. I'm a Chinese Malaysian. 

You must be very curious about 'Chinese Malaysian', huh? Yeah, it's a Malaysian whose race is Chinese. And, I'm one. 

Basically, Chinese Malaysians (still Malaysians) are people whose great, great-grand father/mother was from China and then settled in Malaysia some decades ago. Hmm, my grandfather moved to Bintulu since 6 years old, so we're all Malaysians 👴

Well, so what am I gonna talk about it? Okay, it's not a big deal but kinda a great matter. Most of us (as in Chinese Malaysians) know 3 languages which are Malay, English and Mandarin. Indeed, me too. I come from a Chinese speaking family and my mother tongue is Mandarin ( even though I'm a Foo Chow). 

So, naturally, I speak in Chinese even in school. I can't see any wrong yeah I know it is sometimes not respectful to those who don't know how to speak Chinese, sorry, but no one can ever say I can't use this language. I really don't like the way that people tease people who speak Chinese. 

I'm not sure why people look down on Chinese. It's a hard-to-be-learnt language but a world wide and international language. So, please don't insult anyone who speaks Chinese! I know that you guys keep thinking English is the best out of best but what era is this? I can't see why people still have this not open minded mind. We speak not to be looked up, but to COMMUNICATE with each other. I don't know why people are bad at understanding this really important point. *sigh

I admit that speaking Chinese in an English lesson is quite irrespective. Sorry teacher, I couldn't control. But then, never ever take this matter super seriously. It's only talking! There's no a purposely act to be so irrespective, honestly. 

I'm glad that I know Chinese and I can write, read and anything with Chinese. I'm proud and thankful that I've got the chance to learn Chinese. It's never a SHAME. I really don't like criticism.

THERE'S NO CLASS AND LEVER OR STANDARD FOR HUMANS, HUMANS ARE JUST ONE OF THE GREAT AND AMAZING CREATIONS OF GOD. 

Don't look down on others just because you think that you're more. We're all the same in God. 

I'm a little annoyed by those people who're so racist. I pity their uncivilised mind. I feel so sorry. 

Bye

Emily

21/07/2014

No obsession

Just a short post. 

Hey, I did quite a lot of things today. 

I went to the library for 3.5 hours, finished the whole chapter 3 of Biology. It was not enjoyable b'cause I had to be disciplined so that I could manage to finish my task of the day.

After that, it was Chinese tuition time. I was extremely tired but I laughed throughout the lesson. It was really fun, I love them, I love the teacher as well:) 

Well, I don't know what I'm actually thinking about? Am I obsessed with anyone? Can I just say no? Not even my twin sister or my parents. I feel free, alone, only me. That's nice though. I like the feeling of being one. 

It's time to read the bible and write an essay. All the best for the new week! Be motivated and let's work:)

Bye

Emily

19/07/2014

Anger

Hey!

I'm great today, how about you? I've been practicing playing the piano for Praise and Worship. There're only 3 songs but I'm about to die. Okay, too exaggerating.

So yeah, today's a Thursday. I went to school and it was quite fun. I love talking so much. Uh, I plan to be mute after this, shh, don't tell anyone. I know I'm too noisy. 

Anger, I'm sad and disappointed about what people nowadays do. I pity girls, lots of the time, they're just cheated! CHEATED. Well, you know, I can't stand it. Some guys are just irresponsible. I'm not saying all guys, just some. They just wanna seek for fun and spend time to 'play'. It's too idiotic. You're too young to know what's being together. Haha, can I just laugh? The unplanned things, no guarantee. Too stupid.

I'm sorry to use bad words. I really feel so sad for girls who are trapped. I admit that I'm a person who trusts almost everyone. Till now, I still haven't been cheated. (I feel so) I know that, being cheated hurts. 

Can't people just know what they're doing? Can't they have true love? Now, I know that without knowing God, you'll never ever know what true love is. 

People who cheat, look down on love. 

I pray that God'll do his work to protect the cheated ones. 

Okay, bye. 

Emily

17/07/2014

Normal

Today's a school day. 

I feel normal, yeah, I mean great. 

You might find me a person who keeps putting on a smile. Obviously, I feel hopeful from my heart. 

I believe that at any moment, I'll die. That must be quite a sad thing, but the peace that I feel because of Christ makes me a person who doesn't fear of death. Happiness and joy, peace and love, God's given me all. 

Well, I gotta study hard now. Maybe take a nap first. Too tired. 

Bye:)

Emily

16/07/2014

Second

2 posts in a day. 

I'm just done with a little piano practice, gonna do revision of Chinese. I'm wondering about so many things.

Things that're in my mind:

- Who is reading my blog? Why do people read?

- Does anyone dislike me? 

- Where will I go in the future?

- Am I the only one who's crazy about almost everything?

- Will I die tomorrow?

- What will God do to me? Is He actually using me?

- Have I been a really terrible person? 

- Can I go somewhere else? 

- Can I cage myself in a place where no one else can come in? I need a long time to do this, maybe 4 months, for studying. 

I wanna read the bible everyday. I've been skipping it for more than a month I think. I feel so bad:(

Okay bye!

15/07/2014

Fake

It's time for me to blog. 

I just came back from futsal. It was kinda great but I still felt so stupid. Anyway, sweating was so great! I love it, 3 hours, that was a lot, wasn't it? 

So I've been trying to be more friendly and outspoken. I'm learning to be a person like that. I wanna be more outstanding. Eventually, I find myself so fake sometimes. I'm not even sure whether I'm real or fake. I don't know. 

The feeling in my heart is too much that it might flows out some other day. I wish I could be a real person, the really real person who could just say anything. I'm just a failure sometimes. Words that're not same as the actions. 

I'm trying hard to do this and that. I can't. I don't surrender things to God. I don't wanna say much, I feel tired now. 

Bye

Emily

15/07/2014

Sunday

Hey. Today's Monday, kind of a great day. 

This morning, I woke up at 6am. After I went to the toilet, I checked the notification in my phone. Chia Yee sent me a whatsapp message one minute ago. 'GER 2, ARG 0' I was quite happy but not extraodinarily happy about that. I've supported Germany since 4 years ago and still, I'm supporting them. 

It's not all about football that I'm gonna talk in this post. I have thousands of lame and rubbish-ing thoughts to share to almost everyone. I really love talking, I crap too much, too much. I enjoy it but I hate to be so talkative at the same time. I seem to be an active person who can just talk to anyone, yeap, anyone. 

Well, I'm gonna share about what I've been through since Sunday morning.

I had a meeting with my friend at 9am that day at church. He'd be teaching me the ways to play piano accompaniment. 15 minutes, my twin and I waited him for 15 minutes. That's okay, 'I'm okay!'.I don't like it but I'm still quite okay with it. Then, he taught me some ways and stuff like that which I didn't really understand b'cause I'm such a dumb (Too much, shouldn't have said this, I'm terrible). 

Then, we had Sunday school. Things went on so well. 'Sharing' for the whole session! I love it so much, my teacher forgot to prepare what he should have done. Oh well, I was quite happy with that somehow, b'cause I felt so great about sharing thoughts and testimonies. 

After that, my twin and I went to chatime with Ms Mandy, who's kinda cute haha. She's friendly and kind. We had a great time as we talked a lot and I had Hazelnut milk tea (I think it was called that, not so sure). Then we got back to church and would have choir practice. 

Choir practice. It was great. I sang the soprano part like what I did for the past few weeks. Everything went really well. Afterall, I went for testing my voice. *drums* I'm actually an alto! I can sing the low pitch which I had wanted to sing. I couldn't believe what God did on me. That shocked me, F, low F. I feel like a cool guy. 

So yeah, then I went to the cafeteria in my church. I wanted to do my homework! But then, one of my friends, who told me he wanted to study medicine as well, he was there with his friends. Okay, then, we talked about school stuff and stuff that was in my brain which was kinda nonsense and irrational. Anyway, talking to him was such a great fun. I got someone to listen to me and give comments and discuss something that we face in lives. Wish to talk like that everyday, but once in a week is probably good enough!:)

After he left, I sat quietly writing my essay. The cafeteria was empty and I enjoyed the silence so much. Just a sudden, I saw a guy walking down from upstairs. Oh, that Sibu guy. We talked about some twin thing and then I did my work. (I wanted to finish the essay so so so badly)

Finally, Elisa was done with her committee meeting. We waited at the cafeteria for 10 minutes and talked to one of my Sunday school teachers. I kept asking him for tips to score A+ for moral. Uh...

Then we went home. 

I forgot to write the new friend part:( I gotta do my another essay now. Tomorrow futsal yay! 

Bye 

Emily 

14/07/2014

Motivated

Hi!

I just woke up from my sleep. It's now 7.05am. I want to study Physics so badly b'cause of my bad result for monthly test which gave me a motivation to strive hard for Physics. 

Yesterday was a busy but happy day. I felt great all the way. I did quite a lot of things, especially having a modelling shoot for myself. When I was doing the past year paper of music theory, suddenly, I had the urge to take photos in my T-shirt, specs and my hair. 

Am I really good at photography? I don't think so. I'm just having the sense of 'niceness' which I've had it since I was young. Well, like I coloured and drew quite well when I really wanted to do a piece of art or something like that. 

Besides photography, my next greatest hobby is definitely talking. I love talking so much. Sharing and listening to people, uh, I talk a lot of craps though. That's not good. However I don't gossip, the Holy Spirit leads me all the way, not judging anyone. 

Alright, it's time to start my studying! 

My 'shocked' portrait.

Bye,

Emily 

12/07/2014

Learning

It's the time for me to blog again. 

Today's great, honestly! Before I went to school, my heart was full of hope and joy. I was quite sure that today would be a really great day. Even though there wasn't electric supply to our classroom, I had a fun time with my classmates, had bio class, then free periods and then add maths at Scout dent. They were all good:)

I thought I'd get really bad result for add maths, but not true, God gave me 72%! I'm so glad although I still think I didn't do well. I thank God for what I have and what I don't have. 

Marks sometimes bother me a lot. I keep asking myself to treat every test as a game so as to relax myself while doing any papers. I did it, and I didn't care much about tests like how I used to. 

My English teacher asked a question, 'What if one day you found out that you were an adopted child?' This question made me think about what I told Elisa last night. I'm a person who's carefree. I don't care about anything as I know what I encounter has already been planned by God and for everywhere I go, there'll always be a way. Therefore, my answer to the question is 'I'd still live my life like how I'm living right now!' and I'd give a pleasant smile for answering this question. 

I'm an odd person though. I'm not rigid, I'm too changeable. Sometimes, I don't even know why on earth I'm doing that particular work. I'm so funny, aren't I? 

Well, I don't think there'll be anyone who understands me well. Will there? Let me wait for it. I'm thinking of too many unecessary things. I have to learn to let everything go, the things that aren't for me. 

I love talking. 

I've just done my work at school for the Nature club thingy. The members who came were really committed. I love all of you:* without you guys, I couldn't imagine how I was to suffer from cleaning such a smelly and dirty store room. Your hardwork is so so appreciated:) 

I need to force myself hard now. Studying like a crazy person. I can't be so relaxed since I'm gonna face a very important exams which can probably affect my life. I must stand up, I have to do it for God. 

Things that I've learnt today:

a) Never ask why but how I'm gonna do this work

b) Treat every work as God's work and you'll do it joyfully

Pray for me, bye!

Emily

10/07/2014

Self management

Yo. My days have been great. 

So, I'm gonna start talking about how bad my result is. I got really bad marks for all the subjects. Who asked me to go for so many activities, huh? I learned one thing, you're the only one who's responsible for your choice. So, take time to consider when you need to make a decision. That definitely helps you from getting stuck in unecessary responsibility which can cause you busy and so stressed out. 

Currently, I wanna go back to a life that I push myself so hard until I can do anything else except studying. I have to learn to be disciplined. Studying for God! 

I have tons of work to do. Malay literature and history will probably be the first that I have to 'eat'. I really need to get motivated and study like I'm really sitting for a public exam. 

I have so much work to do. I have Nature Club meeting tomorrow. I have to do my part as a president. I pray that God'll guide me throughout the whole meeting session as I'll be doing a great job. My assistant is too hardcore, he keeps putting everything on his shoulder like he's the only one that can be trusted. Maybe I'm too unreliable, okay, never mind, it's alright.

Before today ends, I must:

a) understand chapter 5 for history

b) do a Malay essay which is about Nature

c) read at least a Malay short story

Hmm, pray for me. 

Bye 

Emily 

09/07/2014

I

Hi. 

I had a really great time with my dad, my sister and my brother this morning as we went shopping and I bought some stuff. 

Well, I have a sense of remorse in my heart. I feel sorry, sorry to those who have done so much things for me, sorry to those who have spent their precious time on me. I just feel as if I've broken their heart. I tangled myself and let both us fall. 

I'm still living in my own world. I don't think about the others, everything that I say is always surrounds with the word 'I'. Too much, too much. 

I wish to start everything all over again. I'm too selfish, I only think of myself. I need God to heal me. 

I'm not sure whether anyone who reads this can understand what I'm trying to say. Anyway, anything, whatever. 

Bye

Emily 

05.06.2014

Hurt

Hello, finally, monthly test game was over. I'm sure I did badly for Malay. Well, it was just a game. 

I felt so ill this morning. I had a really bad flu, but I thank God for my friends Huan Zhe and Edward who helped to take my stuff and call my dad. I thank Gor for giving me both of you as my friends, still owe Huan Zhe an ice-cream, haha.

I felt truly sick, the mucos in my nose kept dripping out and I couldn't stop sneezing these 2 days. I must haven't got enough sleep as I stayed back yesterday to do some cleaning work. Well, honestly, God has His own amazing plan. While I was carring a heavy box, a really helpful person came and helped me. I was so pleased b'cause I'd never been helped. Good one, I feel happy for the world. 

I'm a cold person, aren't I? I'm so unfriendly to the others. I shut myself. No one can ever be close to me. To be honest, I'm not a good person:( I'm afraid of hurting the one that's close to me and then go away. 

Oh yeah, I wanna talk about Kit Yong. She was a really good friend. I had a little revision time with her this morning. She didn't seem to have memorised all, but I could see she tried. I thank God for her as well:) 

Alright. I needa get up and work. 

Bye 

Emily

04.07.2014

Weirdo

Hello. 

I don't know what to say. 

I just feel down, down, down. 

What I thought wasn't right. 

I've tried to be so calm and serious and stuff. I can't control myself. 

I just wanna hide myself. I can't let it go. I just can't. I feel too bad. 

I'm such a stupid person. No one understands me. I guess no one. Not even the one that I think.

Pray. I have to pray. Let it go. 

Bye

Emily 

03.07.2014

Real and unreal

Hey, I just woke up from my nap. I did so much last minute studying yesterday. 

Today was great. I had 3 papers, they were quite okay. Uh, tests are not what I'm gonna talk about in this post, though. I have the urge of wanting to share about the real and unreal stuff of me.

It's been really unreal (that means fake) for me to be a good student, a good daughter and a good person. From my teachers' comments on me, they keep saying that 'Emily's a hardworking girl'. My bio teacher is even worse, she gave me full marks and wrote 'V. Good' for me. When I saw all the compliments that I got from all my lovely teachers, I felt that they were actually cheated. I ain't as good as they thought. I'm a super lazy person, I go online a lot, I love electronic gadgets more than I like any subjects, I watch TV everyday, the most I like is talking. I'm sorta a disturbance, I feel. 

Not only that, I'm kinda a real, good student in my classmates' eyes. I definitely do my homework (all the stuff that teachers ask us to do). Well, honestly, I do, but sometimes I don't and I feel really guilty after that. I have debts for many subjects as well. I'm not good. 

My mum's another one who's cheated by me. Well, she told me that I was the only child who helped her massage and do a little housework. I did all this b'cause I think it's an obligation. I'm not good. Plus, she said I seldom make her angry. (This is a really idiotic sentence, I've been an extremely bad bad bad person, I can hardly make my parents happy. For instance, I begged them to buy me a RM 3k canon 700D, an iPhone, and expensive clothes) 

I'm a real cheater, honestly. How many people has been cheated by how I take up so seriously about my responsibility. Well, I joke a lot, I've also been so irresponsible. I've done thousands of really stupid things. I think, only my twin sister who keeps telling me that I'm stupid is not cheater by me. 

Truly, I feel stupid most of the time. I'll feel people I feel old to indicate that I feel idiotic. Sometimes when I was about to scold people with bad words, I just controlled myself. That's why no one sees me using bad words. Also, I've insulted many people. I'm too terrible. I think about a lot of bad stuff sometimes.

I'm not living a good testimonial life, but I know God has His plan on me. I'm sometimes lost, lost in a way that I forgot about Him and kept thinking of some really unnecessary things. 

I feel so fake. I'm not an honest person everytime I'm dealing with people. I don't know how many people would be my friends if I was really real? I don't know I'm talk about, maybe I'm already real. 

Trying to be tough. God loves you and me. 

Bye 

Emily 

02.07.2014

Alone

Hello, how's life? I've been studying for monthly test lately. I just wanna finish all the syllabus.

I'm thinking of the thing that I'm afraid of the most. My answer is loneliness. 

I'm scared of being alone. Not doing stuff  by my own that kinda alone but the loneliness that God doesn't want me to be His child. If that really happened, I would be in a total death. I can't think more than that, that's already trerribly bad. I can't bear with it. 

I've been wasting my time doing something stupid as well. I don't know, maybe I'm just too stupid to do what smart people do. Oh well, it's good to be a stupid person sometimes. I really like talking. I can just talk about anything that you can think of. I like sharing testimonies that God's done on my life. Too much. Too blessed. 

A new number for contacting with other people is great enough for my current life. 

I ultimately get what I've always wended to. I don't like showing off, I'm the kind of person who wants people to know me as they really want to know. I'm not sure whether you get what I mean. I feel like rambling. 

Alright, I have to get up and start studying chemistry. I must put in my whole effort. God's there with me. He definitely is. His plan is too unpredictably amazing. 

I don't say I like anyone as I'd rather act it out how I love people. Seriously, I'm honest. 

P/s: I don't like people who like the others just b'cause they look good. 

Bye,

Emily 

01/07/2014