Heyo, I'm going to share about my life, not really, it's more likely my 2013 Form 4 life.
I don't know how to start this, it's sort of a drama, maybe a soap opera, not a movie, neither is it a film. Well, it's a story, a year story.
The start of the year was really great, I got to study with a gang of smarties who were actually as hardworking and as smart and as knowledgeable as I think. They were pretty great, scored well last year and so did I. Although I considered myself the worst in the class, I still didn't give up, I knew that Form 4 was a year for me to fight, for me to win, for me to do something really amusing. Yea, so I was chosen to be the head of decoration department with my sister, that sounded more serious that it actually was, haha. That was a good start for me, to gain some marks for my co-curriculum results. I needed it to go into a good uni in the future.
The 'fire' of getting more marks didn't distinguish. In contrast, it burned more, as if it'd go off like a bomb. I just wanted to so much, so I joined 2 clubs, a uniform 'society' (I don't know how to call it, just call it this way) and a blue house (a compulsory one, basically a sport team). Yea, like how I wanted so much, I spent my time attending all these. It was exhausting, honestly, but who cared, I just wanted my marks so badly.
The time flied so quickly, indeed, God did something me. He helped me study, join meetings and stuff. I felt glad though. I had everything! So as to get more marks, I even decided to join the school Chinese debate team, I was so keen on getting marks, I thought I could do anything that I wanted. My parents did warn me that I wouldn't have my time to enjoy my life, but I was a rock, stubbornly said I could do it. I seriously can't forget what I told them on that night when I told them how I could do this and that. I don't feel regretful but a little, it was sort of a dream.
I joined the Nature Club for the sake of getting marks, and I even took part in a school project. The project was extremely tiring, like hell (I'm saying the truth!). It wasn't something that really fun for anyone, I supposed. I had to write the concept paper at the first stage, I was always in a hurry. I kept rushing. In fact, I gave too much pressure to the others and myself too, and there was the first time I stayed up really late just to complete a 500 word report.
It was a Thursday night, I'm pretty sure with that. I sat in front of the computer for about more than 6 hours. You might think I was crazy, yeap, indeed, I was mad! After vomited the report out, I sent it to my friend whose English was good. That was the starting of everything, I stepped my first step to stay up late in my life. I was a zombie on the next day, having 2 really tiring eyes to school. My work hadn't finished. In fact, it just started.
The writing reports and proposing things that we'd be running still went on although it was exam period. I put in lots of effort to do every part of it. I just wanna win, I wanna get more marks. I couldn't stop even though I didn't really like to do it. That was bad for me and for my good friends. I had a quarrel with my friend, then I said sorry to her, but who could forget what I've done? I don't think she forgets it... Anyway, I believe she has forgiven me, that's already great enough for me. Another friend that I had conflict with was my team leader, I supposed I stressed her so much that she didn't wanna pick up my phone. It was my wrong actually, I shouldn't have phoned her during the exam period. It wasn't fair for her, not for me as well.
Another thing that made my condition worse was that I kept on chatting with friends on Facebook. People were my God! That was what I thought, so terrible, huh? I loved talking, really, I felt as if I was loved by people. I felt sad and upset when they didn't wanna talk to me, terribly sorrowful. Haha, so many things that happened to me, right? Something that made me feel stupid and silly was my mid-term results. I couldn't face myself, and also my God, erm, my parents too. I got 23 for the ranking in my class, in a good class. I was so disappointed, I think my parents felt that too. I was such a pain for them, I felt useless when I compared myself to the others. Then, I promised my mum that I'd try my very best to score next time for end-term exam on Parents' day.
After that, you might think that I'd have given up to get more marks. But nah, I still wanted to have marks, and I still liked to talk, I loved that feeling, like I had everything. So, yea, I joined marching and some running competitions. I seemed to be a well-rounded person to myself. I did some studying too, I wanna have flying colours and I wanna let people see how good I was, how amazing I was. At this point, as you can see, I was totally lost, I was a hundred percent sinner who thought myself was a God.
The project was on going, thanks God for that! I was truly busy doing it with all the group members. I did a lot of forcing, indeed, like once I made an ordinary member cry. That was the moment when I listened to Satan, asking me to get angry with those people. I was lost in the big, big valley. I didn't know what I was doing. After that, test was around the corner just right after Hari Raya 2 week holidays. I knew that I had got to be hard working, I knew that I shouldn't spend my precious time chatting with people. It wasn't good for both me and someone else. I knew that it was the golden time for the young us, to study.
I got good result for Physics, 90%! I couldn't believe that I did it when my beloved Physics teacher told me my results happily. I was crying while going to the toilet with Elisa. I told her that I did it! I was really happy. However, I wasn't found yet. Haha, I didn't give thanks to the Lord sincerely. I was being proud of myself. But, I wanna tell you that you reap what you sow, always work hard when you wanna achieve something. Hardworking is the only key to success, truly, laziness ruins your dreams.
I stopped talking via Facebook so that I could concentrate in my studies. I started to change, I paid more attention when teachers were teaching and focused when I was doing revision. That really changed my attitude, I was more disciplined. Also, I got 7As and 3Bs for my end-term result. I got 10 in class and 19 in the whole form because I prayed before any papers was given out. I knew that God'd do his part for me, for his daughter, Emily. Well, I didn't give thanks at the end. Like seriously, I was still lost.
I was chosen to be the president of the club, to be honest, I wished to be. I was a little bit happy but not really that happy b'cause I didn't feel like people'd want me to be, you know? People thought that I was the wrong person, I wasn't encouraged. I didn't like to be unliked. Well, I'd continue my story. The closing ceremony of the project was a prefect relief for me. We got second, that was so cool. You may think that I' have been really delighted on that day, but no, seriously nope. I did't wanna to fight any more, I didn't want to. I just wanna be a doctor, a helpful doctor who sees pregnant women everyday or maybe does some operations. If I could, I would like to go to poorer country to heal people. My dad has got money for me to study, scholarship mayn't be something in my hands, I'd give it to people who really need it.
Until the holidays started, I started my blog, yea, this blog. I read a lot of books and talk to Elisa. I still chat on Facebook but I know what I'm actually doing. I know that it's not the right time to do anything people feel right. I don't know how to express or tell you that how I think, my language is bad, haha. Then, one night, I was talking with Elisa and I told her that I didn't actually really believe in God. Yea, even though I was a Christian, I still doubted what God would do for me. I think God heard Elisa's praying after she prayed for me.
I read books and also the bible, God's there guiding me to read all the books. They helped me to think about so many things that have happened to me, how I'd react. I thank God that He placed Elisa to be with me and let me think about who I'm and what's the real goal or aim in my life. I'm not nobody, I'm a daughter of God. I have to do something to glorify God and make His people to believe Him, truly, so that they'll be safe. That's when I'm truly found.
I think it's a long enough story that I tell, uh, maybe when I think of something to add on, I'll write another post. I've got too much to say, hahaha. Oh yea, I'm trying to love everyone. Truthfully, it is a very hard work for me, like loving my enemies and the unlovable ones. Pray to the God and He'll guide me, I believe.
With love,
Emily
08-12-2013
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