Tears

For the time I felt that no one understood me, I cried, not because of the camera, but my family. 

This was the 1st time I did it this year, I'll never forget it. 

2nd time, I was totally out of control. Tears ran out of both my small eyes, making they flood. The way both of them questioning and trying to change my mind made me feel too insecure. 'Does she love me?', I asked myself, I had no answer. I felt as if I had just had a fight, a battle? No, not really. 

The next day, I felt so down and depressed. 'Why do I live on the earth?', the neurons in my whole body kept transferring impulses so as to look for the right place to generate electricity, to find the answer. In church, I asked my teacher about this question, I didn't think he actually answered my question. That was so true. After that, I went to an 'animal adoption fare', I'm not sure how I should call it, though. Well, before that I had had a really bad communication with my 2nd sister, I didn't think that she understood me, not at all. I felt as if she was comparing me, and didn't allow me to go where I wanna go. I was sad, grief in my heart, too cold. As I came home, I was too terrible, I cried for the 3rd time this year. Finally, I know the reason of crying for both the times. I actually didn't feel loved from my family, maybe I did, well, I'm not sure. I really thank God for placing Elisa next to me all the time, I only trust her, I mean, on the earth. I felt how God loved me through the presence of Elisa. 

For the 3rd time I cried was on the next day, a Monday. I was definitely stressed out. I couldn't bear with it, I learned nothing for the past 4 months in my English tuition. Wastage of time and money, too invaluable. At the end, I found out that I've been actually living in my own world. The world is a place that I suffer every day, non stop. Or I should say that I basically imagined myself in a world that I had to work for the whole day like how the 20 century people work. Forced. Uneasy. Poverty. No choice. The only way I can do to change my 'life' is to be hardworking. This means, mentally, I'm in a really bad place where I have to do stuff to live my life, and when I have time, I have to study, because only studying can change my life. Well, physically, I'm like princess who can have anything that I wanna have. That's why my mind is always thankful for what my physical body has. 

Am I confusing you? I think I'm. It's very hard for me to explain something that I've imagined without myself knowing for a really long period of time. I'm exhausted. I seem to be lost. I need God to guide me. 'Do I really believe in God?' Let me think about this super duper simple question tonight. I'm sleepy but tonnes of work is waiting for me. I can't rest. Physically and mentally. Pray for me. I need God. 

Emily

15/04/2014